hermit is a

today was a walking hermit through a tall forest shuffling the darker lines of mean. I arrived in this place watching two then three small ants walking the rim of skin laughing at jokes nicer than him. quickly swarming moments vanishing into the sad ones of my mom already sick in her robot voice. still unable to play. still not invited to play. then was shoved like a loud bug into the discourse of someone else’s rhetoric. healing like two poets in pearls humming like locusts in a poplar tree in spring. I used to think these messages were mine and now the loudest of them don’t want to hear me. I can quickly vanish and split pears with these seams.


the lawn of a naughty life

turn out all of the lights

we were in the mountains with best friends from childhood

snowy trails with horses & warm houses.

amethyst is a common butter the color of hemlocks, the stare of indigo locks

my violin is safe

afresh a bell a fresh, time is more dangerous in the folds of summertime.


experience forgives as the flow accepts

sticky ego steeps

where my head laid basked still, into the taste of it.

If grace were glass plants underwater I

have an idea to love again


resentments they let go of us

bliss me naked in your service.

black painted blue authority in gold

the chord becomes broken unraveled in rays

cut stretched between notes


forgiveness a daily act

a boom box in the rain, nodding harmony blended beats

open masks curved running the lines of a genius

an orchestra

the sensuality of a beast.


the sax has decided to be the proper instrument for your dilemma

much pleasant sounds come from it

a big wooden chest gift in yellow sunflowers the proof of us

the song makers of rolled notes

or rest.


falling black fulcrums, double shadowed and inverted

the color of plasm

backpacking trips together through landscapes of red mesa

falling towards one

another, lucky flowers a one-time beast


do you remember the listened night of a good song.

rosebud hips

kits, blend, bit, brilliant,

some words are irrelevant,

some are unspoken, afresh a bell a fresh.


he is listening to her mother about the yellow dog. she is going to kill the yellow dog. she forgets this sentence after she sits with her dying. the machine talking with her about the dying. the dog doesn’t need flowers. the dog needs a doctor. so does she. but they waited too long so the doctor will come in the morning. she met her brother’s girlfriend. he didn’t feed her. he didnt know to. he did help her. the next morning she cleaned out eight garbage bags. full of fresh petrified trash from her room. its not close to clean. still mouse droppings covered in dust crusted in ten years of kept house notes and receipts. she laundered the small ones. for the small one. he needed to do laundry. she wants to swim in the ocean. thats an easy sentence. she wants him to kiss her and fuck her. she wants more than that with him. there’s a reason she didn’t talk to them for ten years. she forgives easily. he insulted her kindness. he insulted her dog and cursed her for about 16 seconds because she said that sunflower was her cat. he insulted his softness. she honestly doesn’t remember. she likes his softness the most. other than he’s not her brother anymore and she has neither mother or father. and yet they also are. her mother only moans her father spins webs of disappointment. they say thank you and goodnight. and what she does know is – get me the fuck out of here. maybe it is good I came. no one can tell her whether to come out. or what what worth means. or love.

I was working at a school in europe and my horse chic was my transportation. this was dreamy and completely sweet. then I thought about getting back together with my evil ex and having wax but instead we broke up kindly and my horse was trailered to my barn. I made up her stall. then she turned into my cat lily. I bought masks a little wild card.

when transience considered bliss

I’m cold in a tropical forest of

festive peanuts

for christmas breakfast my class will instruct me to make somtam

every encounter is one where we learn to encounter ourselves

1004 days ago, is either extremely specific, or incredibly random

rumination is complete ruin

acid, we really care

I really wish that I had a family for my life.

pull out the sweater vests

love notes weighted in cement to

we lived & loved more

and we understood the past

selfie revolutions

seven hours later I found some flowers

call me

yesterday was strange again

they decided to lock the rooftop during the perfect sunset

take a shower instead

you lost power at twenty minutes exactly

that feeling when people are trying to upbid their five-year-old

stop selling your kids they will find out eventually

she said no one should have to die that way

he pretended to call the police.

they arnt taking away the services. he is.

you know people are listening. that was the best you could.

I woke myself to a gorgeous sunset

asking what I should learn. a different meditation?

there is so much gas lighting going on

we went to the audition

she played this guitar cigar

violin with buttons instead of strings

our concierge were chinese-hmong people

I told him never to call me his sister

yesterday was strange again.


do i have

do I have

a blocked heart am I doomed

to loneliness apparently

I need to restructure

but I don’t know how

compassion for myself? what if I cant

teach. what if I lose my job

what if I am not able to confront

ptsd & love

I must find true love  

how can I trust the universe

to bring me the right relationship

how can I trigger love devotion

of some sort something to trust

to accept imperfection

but the kindness to who

someone is on the inside



I miss horses

why train a partner

to question everything

it was a stepping stone

to trust men again.

but that gentleman

thing still scares me

which is probably

what I want most

even though I love

the dirty sex thing

I should be thinking

about my visa.

he ended up marrying

a cowgirl

which I think is perfect

but I appreciate

those moments so much

I was so scared

of everything

but put me on a horse

& I’m home.

when he came to visit me

the cowboy

I would not

let him into my apartment

my best friend let him crash

at her place

across the hall. 

spurs & all. 

gosh was so scared

but he asked me out

on top of a horse

& that was pretty dreamy

& sweet

at that point in my life

I was so scared of men

from almost being killed. 

but that horse. 

gave me so much

we probably scare

the same but I empty

my fear because I understand.

he gave me the

hardest horse.  & we walked

calmly through water.

that’s when the young cowboy

fell in love with me

& gave me his hat. 

he took the picture.


part three

tomorrow I will apply. maybe apply.

a really sweet boy said he would come to me in beijing I am ok with this kind of excited, there is such a thing as being too nice & it’s very easy to see this. the tone is really in your pussy. it’s actually getting a quiet mean I just imagine dragons or something. she became more of a dog than a horse. running with her as a little filly. It’s too early for music I think.

my cough is better. I survived. I could feel the mucus being pulled into other parts. It was anxiety. ok morning. wow I hate synthetic medicine. he helped me so much. frequencies like medicine bowls just like I asked for it worked. bomb the innocent past with good frequencies. my gosh. what good notes & transitions for so long let’s see morning.

anxiety was giving me bronchitis? my cough seems almost gone. the music opened my diaphragm & I could feel it working it absorbed everything. almost everything. words are the inevitable unapproachable doomsday of miscommunication. need to listen thinking is painful. I told some stranger all my deepest darkest secrets willingly. thanks antibiotics. antibiotics gosh that’s some weird reaction I think is very particular to me. antibiotics are rough. give me till Tuesday. I need an elixer. I can’t miss more work.

what could I write about other than kissing him forever. a genetic human one I didn’t learn this. I forgive too easily it’s actually a skill. come to me sweet person so that I can be sweetly justified. ironically I think he is banking on this. oh. no will work on this he is so cute. I do love his technical stiff but come on. he sounds like a dad nun. some people are actually stuck in the 70s it makes NO sense whatsoever.

part two

book week

the story is city mouse & country mouse. our background is a palace & the puppet house fits perfectly. we will sing the wheels on the bus. the vocabulary is too high for children super fast so the subliminal messaging is crazy. our mc is garfield. what a crazy song that’s why you never remember the chorus. tomorrow we will be the three blind mice we spent so much time on these ears.

the dream is that my neighbor was trying to get into the van & there was a terrible crash which is why I had to legitimately call I to work it was snowing. she is still getting used to center time & speaking english she is fine was only because I was alone. why did I have to get my period today & poor paris she was trying to bond with me bumped her head & I had none of my team she got so sad.

she just wanted someone she could trust to hear her. my student was cute on his nose in chinese class & they said nothing why? I have so many questions why. my alarm didn’t go off this created a whole world of fables that are not really which is what I teach what the fuck. people are scaring left & right & firing me for figuring out my future. ok. humans have lost all empathy & what it means to be human. they gave me one month because I was sick.

I need simple. does love matter anymore? I’ve dealt with such hard people for so long what is the point I’m teaching fucking boat. okay maybe I still try to apply tomorrow. everything is grey with anticipation & quiet

it’s quite soothing actually very gentle. it’s not raining. bangkok is in a cloud. we are in a mist. I feel so much better.

it’s my achillies heel. I love when people know my favorite nickname.

part one

was just published super thankful is an amazing read

sorry teacher I forgot. I needed you to remind me. do you want to know I got a c in french and ap chemistry & still graduated with honors? it was that first balcony of the munich summer we walked the narrow cobblestone roads licking the isar river & drinking some sky. birthday posts always make me miss so many at once old & new. when the universe deals you a temporary wrong hand it’s always such a sweet demonstration of the complete complete right ones, if only for a moment, in disguise.

I should have never fallen for german boys they emptied me. she manipulated the yellow dress to say slow down so her deficit was null. I really do not like some people right now & really love some people right now & they know who they are. I still can’t find home. my dad told me I don’t have a home & he’s scared about one with him. I don’t have a home quite literally.

for me not for anyone else I still try to help but it was lost. at least here I can tell my neighbors to turn their fucking music down in my apartment. it’s actually the worst feeling that you are leaving a place not on youtube terms. I hate auto correct. I miss cooking I miss kitchens maybe in beijing I will have a real house & not feel so temporary.

I didn’t learn about love however until I had given up.

really wish I had stayed there that was the start of my demise. of boys. I don’t want this to be a theme any more.

the exclamation was from high school. every high school should greet you with an exclamation point. super grounding. I will write about the birthday weekend after book day. maybe I will meet a boy I’m very shy.