I am not sure about walking home that was a little scary. & they wanted me to wait two hours to check if the insurance would pay while I had no pain killers what assholes the medical establishment is. she said a nice thing I don’t want my kids to see my falling apart just when I’m better. she was in hospice told she would die three times. I’m not so sure I should just so easily hand over my life to my dad he said nothing of how he treated me no apology nothing. wow feel so much better after meditating. was in a fear state struggling with my eyes and mind. the surgeon made a joke about glory holes. I asked the doctor about how one gets a sty. it’s so uncomfortable. I survived the sty eye operation then walked home in a light rain with my poor eye. slightly affected by the aesthetic well greatly that was quite a task my left eye doesn’t want to open. I guess she has als but is getting a wheelchair now. & a different doctor. should I let him follow me on instagram probably? Then my mom can see it. my dad finally wrote me an email when I told him that I wanted to get permission to speak to the case worker then said he was happy for my life and he loved me. what the heck. I am getting eye surgery. I hope the mean boy leaves I really want to tell him but I’m not sure it would matter. she gave me a really good tip when they go low go high when they go high go low.

school today went great scared about my eye friday. the case worker wants to tell my mom’s diagnosis meaning my mom is lying? meaning she is getting dementia. she was not getting dementia. my dad refuses to tell me what’s going on. exercise meditation and practice is really awesome. I think too I just feel safe. I told chris everything & my hand now starts to hurt. 40 min of exercise is quite good & I enjoyed the structure very much. easier to practice if u have a goal. reminded me of the first master class I took with her when I was 12. my first graduate studies a.

what’s happening with my mom is horrible I cannot believe he went on my mother’s email and dictated an email to me. my mom saying that she hates him. he should be ashamed. I hope the case worker goes back. I hope my poem about my dad is published next month. like the exercise I’ll do both. I practiced scales and specifics and chord changes. it’s so sweet cause I can hear how she created the exercises. what a craziness she has been through she always reminds me of strength. I’m glad after twenty years to have her back in my life.

that pretty much means I passed probation. I passed probation today. they were much better I did a lot of grading. my cold is also surprisingly better. my skype ironically just phased out. what a shit I had to report my dad again to the case worker. I think I found a routine school exercise shower meditate play. the sink finally broke broke gotta go to home pro. I also got my official insurance card I think. & I have guilt even though not small over roscoe. also the kitty is adopted.

scene:

you wish you could take different

days to teach a different age

you miss preschool & did not in fact go out

visited your neighbor. conundrum speaking to a computer.

go to speakerbox why not

you could go dancing don’t have to go to speakerbox

or you could go to speakerbox

you go next door your neighbors they seem friendlier

yesterday was so hard was shit but I survived

I don’t know if I should go out

wow the outcome is I love my friend always. and always means always

and at that moment that is the only thing I wanted in this strange alone world was to be kissed & wanted. I was a member of their new band two big things I didn’t know. another shows up & says kiss me out of the blue. I said yeah I play at an open mic. then there was a big rain storm

1. The singer had a girlfriend & b. his best friend was manic.
2. I don’t think I made any sense. so many people were able to pretend. I couldn’t understand any of it.
3. was so weird beijing was so weird.
   1. so then his dad had to deal with only death way hard nothing to criticize
   1. made me really sick he had just lost his mom
   1. the dying colleague is true everyone got over it so quick he was borderline autistic
      1. my coworker described this to me not many can there are nine people ruling china. stop end fact. they do not give a fuck about you. end of story.

this is when I should have reported him formally it was already reported but I had to go to the station but then I would be homeless

1. maybe I should block my memories
2. that was straight up horrible unfortunately it only gets worse from here
3. even though people are weird at least I have friends & speak the language
4. hell does exist
5. my god that was a scary time

I managed to make it to meditation. today was our test on the haiti refugee situation

all of my memories are about my broken hand which I’m not fond of.

I will meditate when I get home

I cannot go to meditation today I’m caught in a monsoon

I would like to go on a motorbike trip with someone & get on a hike

otherwise I want to play my heart on the violin

well I will still play my heart out