the lawn of a naughty life

turn out all of the lights

we were in the mountains with best friends from childhood

snowy trails with horses & warm houses.

amethyst is a common butter the color of hemlocks, the stare of indigo locks

my violin is safe

afresh a bell a fresh, time is more dangerous in the folds of summertime.

.

experience forgives as the flow accepts

sticky ego steeps

where my head laid basked still, into the taste of it.

If grace were glass plants underwater I

have an idea to love again

.

resentments they let go of us

bliss me naked in your service.

black painted blue authority in gold

the chord becomes broken unraveled in rays

cut stretched between notes

.

forgiveness a daily act

a boom box in the rain, nodding harmony blended beats

open masks curved running the lines of a genius

an orchestra

the sensuality of a beast.

.

the sax has decided to be the proper instrument for your dilemma

much pleasant sounds come from it

a big wooden chest gift in yellow sunflowers the proof of us

the song makers of rolled notes

or rest.

.

falling black fulcrums, double shadowed and inverted

the color of plasm

backpacking trips together through landscapes of red mesa

falling towards one

another, lucky flowers a one-time beast

.

do you remember the listened night of a good song.

rosebud hips

kits, blend, bit, brilliant,

some words are irrelevant,

some are unspoken, afresh a bell a fresh.

sunflowers

he is listening to her mother about the yellow dog. she is going to kill the yellow dog. she forgets this sentence after she sits with her dying. the machine talking with her about the dying. the dog doesn’t need flowers. the dog needs a doctor. so does she. but they waited too long so the doctor will come in the morning. she met her brother’s girlfriend. he didn’t feed her. he didnt know to. he did help her. the next morning she cleaned out eight garbage bags. full of fresh petrified trash from her room. its not close to clean. still mouse droppings covered in dust crusted in ten years of kept house notes and receipts. she laundered the small ones. for the small one. he needed to do laundry. she wants to swim in the ocean. thats an easy sentence. she wants him to kiss her and fuck her. she wants more than that with him. there’s a reason she didn’t talk to them for ten years. she forgives easily. he insulted her kindness. he insulted her dog and cursed her for about 16 seconds because she said that sunflower was her cat. he insulted his softness. she honestly doesn’t remember. she likes his softness the most. other than he’s not her brother anymore and she has neither mother or father. and yet they also are. her mother only moans her father spins webs of disappointment. they say thank you and goodnight. and what she does know is – get me the fuck out of here. maybe it is good I came. no one can tell her whether to come out. or what what worth means. or love.

I was working at a school in europe and my horse chic was my transportation. this was dreamy and completely sweet. then I thought about getting back together with my evil ex and having wax but instead we broke up kindly and my horse was trailered to my barn. I made up her stall. then she turned into my cat lily. I bought masks a little wild card.

when transience considered bliss

I’m cold in a tropical forest of

festive peanuts

for christmas breakfast my class will instruct me to make somtam

every encounter is one where we learn to encounter ourselves

1004 days ago, is either extremely specific, or incredibly random

rumination is complete ruin

acid, we really care

I really wish that I had a family for my life.

pull out the sweater vests

love notes weighted in cement to

we lived & loved more

and we understood the past

selfie revolutions

seven hours later I found some flowers

call me

yesterday was strange again

they decided to lock the rooftop during the perfect sunset

take a shower instead

you lost power at twenty minutes exactly

that feeling when people are trying to upbid their five-year-old

stop selling your kids they will find out eventually

she said no one should have to die that way

he pretended to call the police.

they arnt taking away the services. he is.

you know people are listening. that was the best you could.

I woke myself to a gorgeous sunset

asking what I should learn. a different meditation?

there is so much gas lighting going on

we went to the audition

she played this guitar cigar

violin with buttons instead of strings

our concierge were chinese-hmong people

I told him never to call me his sister

yesterday was strange again.

.

I’m again put in the middle

but again the only one who can do it. neither with people dealing with an affair. twice. this was not intentional my parents are turning into children but that’s not okay with people dying. I remember how upset I was when I told him. he just took a shot of jack and acted like he already knew. I need to keep my hearts. live lounge is a safe place. I would like to change this. I couldn’t be my savior. I just need dexterity practice this is what prevents my mind. my mind is good my ear is great it’s just dexterity. drama sounds good

I’m constantly misread though beijing was a bit better I think actually. I need to be strong & go to bali. not that way I have my messes. also I have been watching my mom meditate my whole life not really believing it but was the first time together. my mom is my only true hero. I think my dad won’t say I love you because he knows that he took it away from her & he’s right. I had to listen three times I will never forget my mom telling me bens loss. I meditated with my mom the first time. she could barely talk she could finally relax I’m not sure how long she has I love her with everything.

I am done: he is just laughing away at my perceived demise he won’t say I love you

thais are really not exceptionally nice anymore & unfortunately tourism motivated them to be nice. I would say they are nicer than your walking on the street german, but otherwise I different frugality detrimental to you own well-being. I hate to say this but maybe I should start looking. I’m really not into a battle. ben hates france it looks really nice. maybe I go to this drop thing why can’t I find a friend circle yet. he’s a fucking creep

well I survived meditation horribly I checked on my dad he lied and said my mom never went to meditation. it’s up to my dad he probably won’t sign her in. it’s uncomfortable that’s why we never had friends over they are just always uncomfortable.

also focusing on healing energies. this is what I need most that was a random message from china that was so weird

how can you have wisdom if you are constantly turned on

see how writers are writers let writers be writers

just figured out why my ac isnt working there is a half centimeter gap in my door to the hallway wtf

I’m trying my best my very best why can’t evil let go. I just want to hang out

I want to be happy

maybe mom joking is not good because he’s right there

this is not good

I am proud of you I love you

the working girl notebook was from peter

I was so happy then. the world actually made sense. this is when we were in koh tao easily my most favorite trip. still to date. funny I chose last weekend to dance. a bad visit and I hoped he was happy. today was literally the day that I got my thai tattoo. I messaged chris sunday because I met another christian & his number came up. I was telling the cockroach story. I messaged him he has the same number a story about beirut I told him last visit. talking to a stranger about all of my problems. was one thing that I really wish I knew more about. she said she got her word from chopra will call her tomorrow but also hope she has the least suffering. yeah peace.

by the way the best way to confront racism to someone who doesn’t understand prejudice is to flip it on its head because it disrupts the cyclical programming. also talks in the staff room help. but no I’m not feeling well still can’t play. not sure if tomorrow. sending prayers to my mom I think I will try to call later on in the week after she is supposed to get her wheelchair. I hope she is going to meditation.

I made the boys pick a persona of an immigrant coming to thailand. one group picked a 65-year-old japanese businessman who was a duck farmer. very interested to see what this individual will rap about. well I passed probation officially so this I’m very thankful for. just need to get through these rap sessions. I’m really sad about my mom. but there is some comic relief. maybe what my dad was trying to say was that she is much sicker than anyone knew obviously because if she gets upset he leaves her alone I’m so sad & I just miss ben still. I missed group meditation. have just one more week of school. hope they are kind this week. he wants to save money. his money. it’s beyond anything I have words for.

I will forward the emails to the case worker tomorrow. my dad is the bully. to the point of elderly apathy & murder. he is the stimulus of the pain. I hope my brother does not repeat the pattern to his son. I hope I can heal from everything he is evil.

it really was lovely I love dancing so much

fuck I should have been dancing this whole time

I do really want to perform I just need someone to do it with & trust myself

I feel bad about this

I don’t know how to handle my dad stuff & I do need maybe a therapist but they are going to give me the same advice that I would give myself I just I guess wouldn’t have to put that on other people

in twenty minutes I will feel it out

I think I’m going to try to go dancing tonight

the health care provers were protecting me because they realized my dad was abusing both of us. my brother has been planning this from the beginning they die he gets the house. how can an empty person be more empty? I think both my parents might hate me. I ate granola for dinner I still miss him I’m going to sleep. I’ll sleep soon. teachers can guide not manipulate. well I prepared for it at least. feel so much better today. glad kaiser is seeing what I’m seeing. my classes went really well today. the health officials should have called the police for me as well it’s clearly not an accident. class was better today. I think a quiet night tonight is better.

not sure what to do with my dad now. I called him I said yeah I can’t do this he said yeah I think wait a couple of days cannot believe he tried to pull that. not quite sure how to interpret all this. I called my dad stoic as stone. I have no idea what to do I don’t even know who to talk to here about it. he denied calling me. feeling really strange. maybe will meditate after poetry. how could he do that. he literally sent wrote me an email pretending to be my mom asking me to pretend she was healthy and told me not tell anyone because it affected her confidence. my god what a sick narcissist I’m in shock I don’t know what to do I have no one to talk to here.

my dad was that scowl. dr monk called I’m sure. bless him he saw me just after the abuse as well. now he won’t pick up the phone because now I know he is picking up the phone. he was trying to make her die silently. he is the most evil man on the planet. they want to criticize me for knowing what shit lies ahead. pull my mother into the middle try to tell me I cannot express myself the reason why I was almost killed. father NEWS FICKING FLASH your shit doesn’t work anymore you asshole. if he kills my father let them kill each other sounds more like hamlet at this point. I tried to call he wouldn’t answer he is a horrible disgrace he is the evil I have to shun. I will string up my electric tomorrow. new strings. I still have not put on new strings.

first time to open mic without playing that was weird. also seven minute workouts jack up your knees. I need to regroup tomorrow maybe berlin is a possibility. not sure about the meeting not sure if there were ulterior motives. I do need to get my retainer fixed. one of my favorite mentors in the world is lovingly married to his student in an adult context this means nothing especially because we met before it’s not creepy. pascal was the name of my first violin I’m not the sure this one has a name ari did not really fit. was crying all day told bert about my ptsd asked if I should get another teacher or word. the whole thing is so incredibly painful I’m so sad that the pain will not go away.

the guiding questions were very poor questions. love. how can I trust the universe to bring me the right relationship how can I trigger love devotion of some sort something to trust? to accept imperfection but the kindness to who someone I love I have so much fear today. do I have a blocked heart am I doomed to loneliness? apparently I need to restructure but I don’t know how. compassion for myself? what if I can’t teach? what if I lose my job what if I am not able to confront ptsd & love. I must find true

absence of love

apparently I have a blocked heart and jaded love

she wants me to know she loves me unconditionally

I have not even seen her yet I can ask her but I don’t want her to show if she’s not comfortable

my moms early life was in the ocean but her passion was in the mesas

she asked if they could call her Jillian’s mom

she said they were so sweet they asked her to show her face. she said of course I can’t talk to them it’s four o’clock in the morning

meditations

I am not sure about walking home that was a little scary. & they wanted me to wait two hours to check if the insurance would pay while I had no pain killers what assholes the medical establishment is. she said a nice thing I don’t want my kids to see my falling apart just when I’m better. she was in hospice told she would die three times. I’m not so sure I should just so easily hand over my life to my dad he said nothing of how he treated me no apology nothing. wow feel so much better after meditating. was in a fear state struggling with my eyes and mind. the surgeon made a joke about glory holes. I asked the doctor about how one gets a sty. it’s so uncomfortable. I survived the sty eye operation then walked home in a light rain with my poor eye. slightly affected by the aesthetic well greatly that was quite a task my left eye doesn’t want to open. I guess she has als but is getting a wheelchair now. & a different doctor. should I let him follow me on instagram probably? Then my mom can see it. my dad finally wrote me an email when I told him that I wanted to get permission to speak to the case worker then said he was happy for my life and he loved me. what the heck. I am getting eye surgery. I hope the mean boy leaves I really want to tell him but I’m not sure it would matter. she gave me a really good tip when they go low go high when they go high go low.

school today went great scared about my eye friday. the case worker wants to tell my mom’s diagnosis meaning my mom is lying? meaning she is getting dementia. she was not getting dementia. my dad refuses to tell me what’s going on. exercise meditation and practice is really awesome. I think too I just feel safe. I told chris everything & my hand now starts to hurt. 40 min of exercise is quite good & I enjoyed the structure very much. easier to practice if u have a goal. reminded me of the first master class I took with her when I was 12. my first graduate studies a.

what’s happening with my mom is horrible I cannot believe he went on my mother’s email and dictated an email to me. my mom saying that she hates him. he should be ashamed. I hope the case worker goes back. I hope my poem about my dad is published next month. like the exercise I’ll do both. I practiced scales and specifics and chord changes. it’s so sweet cause I can hear how she created the exercises. what a craziness she has been through she always reminds me of strength. I’m glad after twenty years to have her back in my life.

that pretty much means I passed probation. I passed probation today. they were much better I did a lot of grading. my cold is also surprisingly better. my skype ironically just phased out. what a shit I had to report my dad again to the case worker. I think I found a routine school exercise shower meditate play. the sink finally broke broke gotta go to home pro. I also got my official insurance card I think. & I have guilt even though not small over roscoe. also the kitty is adopted.

scene:

you wish you could take different

days to teach a different age

you miss preschool & did not in fact go out

visited your neighbor. conundrum speaking to a computer.

go to speakerbox why not

you could go dancing don’t have to go to speakerbox

or you could go to speakerbox

you go next door your neighbors they seem friendlier

yesterday was so hard was shit but I survived

I don’t know if I should go out

wow the outcome is I love my friend always. and always means always

and at that moment that is the only thing I wanted in this strange alone world was to be kissed & wanted. I was a member of their new band two big things I didn’t know. another shows up & says kiss me out of the blue. I said yeah I play at an open mic. then there was a big rain storm

  1. The singer had a girlfriend & b. his best friend was manic.
  2. I don’t think I made any sense. so many people were able to pretend. I couldn’t understand any of it.
  3. was so weird beijing was so weird.
    1. so then his dad had to deal with only death way hard nothing to criticize
    1. made me really sick he had just lost his mom
    1. the dying colleague is true everyone got over it so quick he was borderline autistic
      1. my coworker described this to me not many can there are nine people ruling china. stop end fact. they do not give a fuck about you. end of story.

this is when I should have reported him formally it was already reported but I had to go to the station but then I would be homeless

  1. maybe I should block my memories
  2. that was straight up horrible unfortunately it only gets worse from here
  3. even though people are weird at least I have friends & speak the language
  4. hell does exist
  5. my god that was a scary time

I managed to make it to meditation. today was our test on the haiti refugee situation

all of my memories are about my broken hand which I’m not fond of.

I will meditate when I get home

I cannot go to meditation today I’m caught in a monsoon

I would like to go on a motorbike trip with someone & get on a hike

otherwise I want to play my heart on the violin

well I will still play my heart out

do i have

do I have

a blocked heart am I doomed

to loneliness apparently

I need to restructure

but I don’t know how

compassion for myself? what if I cant

teach. what if I lose my job

what if I am not able to confront

ptsd & love

I must find true love  

how can I trust the universe

to bring me the right relationship

how can I trigger love devotion

of some sort something to trust

to accept imperfection

but the kindness to who

someone is on the inside

cowboy

cowboy

I miss horses

why train a partner

to question everything

it was a stepping stone

to trust men again.

but that gentleman

thing still scares me

which is probably

what I want most

even though I love

the dirty sex thing

I should be thinking

about my visa.

he ended up marrying

a cowgirl

which I think is perfect

but I appreciate

those moments so much

I was so scared

of everything

but put me on a horse

& I’m home.

when he came to visit me

the cowboy

I would not

let him into my apartment

my best friend let him crash

at her place

across the hall. 

spurs & all. 

gosh was so scared

but he asked me out

on top of a horse

& that was pretty dreamy

& sweet

at that point in my life

I was so scared of men

from almost being killed. 

but that horse. 

gave me so much

we probably scare

the same but I empty

my fear because I understand.

he gave me the

hardest horse.  & we walked

calmly through water.

that’s when the young cowboy

fell in love with me

& gave me his hat. 

he took the picture.

.

horses

you didn’t believe her mother but her actions show everything confused & erased. maybe they knew the whole time why would they invite me into their home.  why would they call me back. but you need to accept without proof & without romantic notions I you are part. native. the edited red & black & white & yellow & green & purple. the last class we finger paint sheep. 

.

you pick the red paper. if we cherish small risk it’s much less likely we will get into a tsunami. just as much as success.  one cannot learn without risk.  therefore the community must be in tune with failure. deep breaths. you tell them they had breached their contract with abuse & you would not stand for abuse. she is not your sister in the hospital & perhaps this would have never happened if.

.

when they left you start crying in front of the whole class. your friend would have held you. you will say that was such shit. do not look at any of them. understand emotional punishment is a tool similar to demise.  your replacement will make your class cry. no one will listen look back to you at your desk asking for help. you cannot do anything.

.

circle time is just ritual & warm up. do not forget to ask for their name. think about the mouse. he also holds you.

loses his keys & leaves bruises on her thighs. when you ask about cooking the half moon is so bright like a sexy secret. somehow this is because of either horses or headphones or maybe both. ah yes. at this point you will have the most beautiful fun.