Tag: memoir

hermit is a

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today was a walking hermit through a tall forest shuffling the darker lines of mean. I arrived in this place watching two then three small ants walking the rim of skin laughing at jokes nicer than him. quickly swarming moments vanishing into the sad ones of my mom already sick in her robot voice. still unable to play. still not invited to play. then was shoved like a loud bug into the discourse of someone else’s rhetoric. healing like two poets in pearls humming like locusts in a poplar tree in spring. I used to think these messages were mine and now the loudest of them don’t want to hear me. I can quickly vanish and split pears with these seams.

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when transience considered bliss

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I’m cold in a tropical forest of

festive peanuts

for christmas breakfast my class will instruct me to make somtam

every encounter is one where we learn to encounter ourselves

1004 days ago, is either extremely specific, or incredibly random

rumination is complete ruin

acid, we really care

I really wish that I had a family for my life.

pull out the sweater vests

love notes weighted in cement to

we lived & loved more

and we understood the past

selfie revolutions

seven hours later I found some flowers

I’m again put in the middle

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but again the only one who can do it. neither with people dealing with an affair. twice. this was not intentional my parents are turning into children but that’s not okay with people dying. I remember how upset I was when I told him. he just took a shot of jack and acted like he already knew. I need to keep my hearts. live lounge is a safe place. I would like to change this. I couldn’t be my savior. I just need dexterity practice this is what prevents my mind. my mind is good my ear is great it’s just dexterity. drama sounds good

I’m constantly misread though beijing was a bit better I think actually. I need to be strong & go to bali. not that way I have my messes. also I have been watching my mom meditate my whole life not really believing it but was the first time together. my mom is my only true hero. I think my dad won’t say I love you because he knows that he took it away from her & he’s right. I had to listen three times I will never forget my mom telling me bens loss. I meditated with my mom the first time. she could barely talk she could finally relax I’m not sure how long she has I love her with everything.

I am done: he is just laughing away at my perceived demise he won’t say I love you

thais are really not exceptionally nice anymore & unfortunately tourism motivated them to be nice. I would say they are nicer than your walking on the street german, but otherwise I different frugality detrimental to you own well-being. I hate to say this but maybe I should start looking. I’m really not into a battle. ben hates france it looks really nice. maybe I go to this drop thing why can’t I find a friend circle yet. he’s a fucking creep

well I survived meditation horribly I checked on my dad he lied and said my mom never went to meditation. it’s up to my dad he probably won’t sign her in. it’s uncomfortable that’s why we never had friends over they are just always uncomfortable.

also focusing on healing energies. this is what I need most that was a random message from china that was so weird

how can you have wisdom if you are constantly turned on

see how writers are writers let writers be writers

just figured out why my ac isnt working there is a half centimeter gap in my door to the hallway wtf

I’m trying my best my very best why can’t evil let go. I just want to hang out

I want to be happy

maybe mom joking is not good because he’s right there

this is not good

I am proud of you I love you

meditations

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I am not sure about walking home that was a little scary. & they wanted me to wait two hours to check if the insurance would pay while I had no pain killers what assholes the medical establishment is. she said a nice thing I don’t want my kids to see my falling apart just when I’m better. she was in hospice told she would die three times. I’m not so sure I should just so easily hand over my life to my dad he said nothing of how he treated me no apology nothing. wow feel so much better after meditating. was in a fear state struggling with my eyes and mind. the surgeon made a joke about glory holes. I asked the doctor about how one gets a sty. it’s so uncomfortable. I survived the sty eye operation then walked home in a light rain with my poor eye. slightly affected by the aesthetic well greatly that was quite a task my left eye doesn’t want to open. I guess she has als but is getting a wheelchair now. & a different doctor. should I let him follow me on instagram probably? Then my mom can see it. my dad finally wrote me an email when I told him that I wanted to get permission to speak to the case worker then said he was happy for my life and he loved me. what the heck. I am getting eye surgery. I hope the mean boy leaves I really want to tell him but I’m not sure it would matter. she gave me a really good tip when they go low go high when they go high go low.

school today went great scared about my eye friday. the case worker wants to tell my mom’s diagnosis meaning my mom is lying? meaning she is getting dementia. she was not getting dementia. my dad refuses to tell me what’s going on. exercise meditation and practice is really awesome. I think too I just feel safe. I told chris everything & my hand now starts to hurt. 40 min of exercise is quite good & I enjoyed the structure very much. easier to practice if u have a goal. reminded me of the first master class I took with her when I was 12. my first graduate studies a.

what’s happening with my mom is horrible I cannot believe he went on my mother’s email and dictated an email to me. my mom saying that she hates him. he should be ashamed. I hope the case worker goes back. I hope my poem about my dad is published next month. like the exercise I’ll do both. I practiced scales and specifics and chord changes. it’s so sweet cause I can hear how she created the exercises. what a craziness she has been through she always reminds me of strength. I’m glad after twenty years to have her back in my life.

that pretty much means I passed probation. I passed probation today. they were much better I did a lot of grading. my cold is also surprisingly better. my skype ironically just phased out. what a shit I had to report my dad again to the case worker. I think I found a routine school exercise shower meditate play. the sink finally broke broke gotta go to home pro. I also got my official insurance card I think. & I have guilt even though not small over roscoe. also the kitty is adopted.

scene:

you wish you could take different

days to teach a different age

you miss preschool & did not in fact go out

visited your neighbor. conundrum speaking to a computer.

go to speakerbox why not

you could go dancing don’t have to go to speakerbox

or you could go to speakerbox

you go next door your neighbors they seem friendlier

yesterday was so hard was shit but I survived

I don’t know if I should go out

wow the outcome is I love my friend always. and always means always

and at that moment that is the only thing I wanted in this strange alone world was to be kissed & wanted. I was a member of their new band two big things I didn’t know. another shows up & says kiss me out of the blue. I said yeah I play at an open mic. then there was a big rain storm

  1. The singer had a girlfriend & b. his best friend was manic.
  2. I don’t think I made any sense. so many people were able to pretend. I couldn’t understand any of it.
  3. was so weird beijing was so weird.
    1. so then his dad had to deal with only death way hard nothing to criticize
    1. made me really sick he had just lost his mom
    1. the dying colleague is true everyone got over it so quick he was borderline autistic
      1. my coworker described this to me not many can there are nine people ruling china. stop end fact. they do not give a fuck about you. end of story.

this is when I should have reported him formally it was already reported but I had to go to the station but then I would be homeless

  1. maybe I should block my memories
  2. that was straight up horrible unfortunately it only gets worse from here
  3. even though people are weird at least I have friends & speak the language
  4. hell does exist
  5. my god that was a scary time

I managed to make it to meditation. today was our test on the haiti refugee situation

all of my memories are about my broken hand which I’m not fond of.

I will meditate when I get home

I cannot go to meditation today I’m caught in a monsoon

I would like to go on a motorbike trip with someone & get on a hike

otherwise I want to play my heart on the violin

well I will still play my heart out

horses

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you didn’t believe her mother but her actions show everything confused & erased. maybe they knew the whole time why would they invite me into their home.  why would they call me back. but you need to accept without proof & without romantic notions I you are part. native. the edited red & black & white & yellow & green & purple. the last class we finger paint sheep. 

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you pick the red paper. if we cherish small risk it’s much less likely we will get into a tsunami. just as much as success.  one cannot learn without risk.  therefore the community must be in tune with failure. deep breaths. you tell them they had breached their contract with abuse & you would not stand for abuse. she is not your sister in the hospital & perhaps this would have never happened if.

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when they left you start crying in front of the whole class. your friend would have held you. you will say that was such shit. do not look at any of them. understand emotional punishment is a tool similar to demise.  your replacement will make your class cry. no one will listen look back to you at your desk asking for help. you cannot do anything.

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circle time is just ritual & warm up. do not forget to ask for their name. think about the mouse. he also holds you.

loses his keys & leaves bruises on her thighs. when you ask about cooking the half moon is so bright like a sexy secret. somehow this is because of either horses or headphones or maybe both. ah yes. at this point you will have the most beautiful fun.

part three

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tomorrow I will apply. maybe apply.

a really sweet boy said he would come to me in beijing I am ok with this kind of excited, there is such a thing as being too nice & it’s very easy to see this. the tone is really in your pussy. it’s actually getting a quiet mean I just imagine dragons or something. she became more of a dog than a horse. running with her as a little filly. It’s too early for music I think.

my cough is better. I survived. I could feel the mucus being pulled into other parts. It was anxiety. ok morning. wow I hate synthetic medicine. he helped me so much. frequencies like medicine bowls just like I asked for it worked. bomb the innocent past with good frequencies. my gosh. what good notes & transitions for so long let’s see morning.

anxiety was giving me bronchitis? my cough seems almost gone. the music opened my diaphragm & I could feel it working it absorbed everything. almost everything. words are the inevitable unapproachable doomsday of miscommunication. need to listen thinking is painful. I told some stranger all my deepest darkest secrets willingly. thanks antibiotics. antibiotics gosh that’s some weird reaction I think is very particular to me. antibiotics are rough. give me till Tuesday. I need an elixer. I can’t miss more work.

what could I write about other than kissing him forever. a genetic human one I didn’t learn this. I forgive too easily it’s actually a skill. come to me sweet person so that I can be sweetly justified. ironically I think he is banking on this. oh. no will work on this he is so cute. I do love his technical stiff but come on. he sounds like a dad nun. some people are actually stuck in the 70s it makes NO sense whatsoever.

part two

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book week

the story is city mouse & country mouse. our background is a palace & the puppet house fits perfectly. we will sing the wheels on the bus. the vocabulary is too high for children super fast so the subliminal messaging is crazy. our mc is garfield. what a crazy song that’s why you never remember the chorus. tomorrow we will be the three blind mice we spent so much time on these ears.

the dream is that my neighbor was trying to get into the van & there was a terrible crash which is why I had to legitimately call I to work it was snowing. she is still getting used to center time & speaking english she is fine was only because I was alone. why did I have to get my period today & poor paris she was trying to bond with me bumped her head & I had none of my team she got so sad.

she just wanted someone she could trust to hear her. my student was cute on his nose in chinese class & they said nothing why? I have so many questions why. my alarm didn’t go off this created a whole world of fables that are not really which is what I teach what the fuck. people are scaring left & right & firing me for figuring out my future. ok. humans have lost all empathy & what it means to be human. they gave me one month because I was sick.

I need simple. does love matter anymore? I’ve dealt with such hard people for so long what is the point I’m teaching fucking boat. okay maybe I still try to apply tomorrow. everything is grey with anticipation & quiet

it’s quite soothing actually very gentle. it’s not raining. bangkok is in a cloud. we are in a mist. I feel so much better.

it’s my achillies heel. I love when people know my favorite nickname.

part one

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was just published super thankful is an amazing read

sorry teacher I forgot. I needed you to remind me. do you want to know I got a c in french and ap chemistry & still graduated with honors? it was that first balcony of the munich summer we walked the narrow cobblestone roads licking the isar river & drinking some sky. birthday posts always make me miss so many at once old & new. when the universe deals you a temporary wrong hand it’s always such a sweet demonstration of the complete complete right ones, if only for a moment, in disguise.

I should have never fallen for german boys they emptied me. she manipulated the yellow dress to say slow down so her deficit was null. I really do not like some people right now & really love some people right now & they know who they are. I still can’t find home. my dad told me I don’t have a home & he’s scared about one with him. I don’t have a home quite literally.

for me not for anyone else I still try to help but it was lost. at least here I can tell my neighbors to turn their fucking music down in my apartment. it’s actually the worst feeling that you are leaving a place not on youtube terms. I hate auto correct. I miss cooking I miss kitchens maybe in beijing I will have a real house & not feel so temporary.

I didn’t learn about love however until I had given up.

really wish I had stayed there that was the start of my demise. of boys. I don’t want this to be a theme any more.

the exclamation was from high school. every high school should greet you with an exclamation point. super grounding. I will write about the birthday weekend after book day. maybe I will meet a boy I’m very shy.

indonesian folk songs

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I didn’t mean those things … the world fell from beneath me … so different from the week before … I feel like I climbed a mountain was so amazing & they are so nice, the mountain guy I will see tonight. tonight I played so fucking well with a whole band each song by ear. I care about this one. was sweating through the whole set. they just kept me up there. I could play everything from queen to nirvana to billy joel to aerosmith we couldn’t stop kissing. indonesian folk songs to sweet child of mine. we couldn’t stop kissing.

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this is the longest upload in the history of uploads. don’t play with my heart. I have never been so happy to hear hotel california. rock music by my house with a tiny beer & my violin beside me. I will go on a hike tomorrow & finally capture the sunset.

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the neon pic sign that welcomes you into this place I am sure I have been before. when we go inside it says hey gorgeous tomorrow they have a live stage on the street. I walked for forty minutes on the beach back in the dark & by some miracle came out at my exact exit for my hostel without gps. marooned in the rain entertained by two sweet Indonesians who serenaded me told me they loved my tattoo & teachers & then I got a gig. swimming in the rain looks nice.

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I am so unsure about moving . what I mostly wanted to do was see him before he left.

night swimming

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it was his brothers band I got there early & ate calamari. I felt awkward the waitress said I was beautiful the drummer agreed so I went up we played a slow first song on my solo the drummer behind me & the bassist gasped / I got so nervous the next song was take me home but I was nervous & shenia twain I felt I sounded fake don’t really like those songs. the drunk friendly very blond australian asked me why I was sitting alone just before. afterwards commended my playing & then the jimmy jealous drummer showed up & we had a funny chat … josh he told everyone joe was very insistent & funny & I said one of my favorite things here was to walk on the beach at night … so we dropped his motorbike & my violin … then after walking a bit sat then he said let’s swim in the ocean. I followed it was so sweet & funny in the almost full moon. he found a sand dollar & thought it was a crab head threw it back into the ocean saw some guys on the shore near our bag thought nothing of it. we came back & sat happy tired from the surf & he noticed his bag missing. I felt in mine & my flip-flops my little makeup bag with all my shells & my phone & power bank was gone. He asked me to check my wallet all cash gone.we went to the hotel demanded the police & they rolled their eyes saying that this happens all the time the police were busy. so we walked back he had no motorbike key or. hotel part of me thinks again this was all too much of a coincidence & I was actually the one who was scammed. he bed me because of everything it was nice. he left the next morning asking maybe to stay with me but left to canguu. I was left with emptiness & a desire to get a phone & come home. today I got a really slow cheap phone I’m going back tomorrow to see if there is something better. my friend I want to see I will when I get back … he said rest & sleep maybe play tomorrow or visit the bassist but then yes to the arms I know are true. I don’t want to go to. china but it is the only to do. maybe see again. I don’t know how I feel about this.