I was so happy then. the world actually made sense. this is when we were in koh tao easily my most favorite trip. still to date. funny I chose last weekend to dance. a bad visit and I hoped he was happy. today was literally the day that I got my thai tattoo. I messaged chris sunday because I met another christian & his number came up. I was telling the cockroach story. I messaged him he has the same number a story about beirut I told him last visit. talking to a stranger about all of my problems. was one thing that I really wish I knew more about. she said she got her word from chopra will call her tomorrow but also hope she has the least suffering. yeah peace.
by the way the best way to confront racism to someone who doesn’t understand prejudice is to flip it on its head because it disrupts the cyclical programming. also talks in the staff room help. but no I’m not feeling well still can’t play. not sure if tomorrow. sending prayers to my mom I think I will try to call later on in the week after she is supposed to get her wheelchair. I hope she is going to meditation.
I made the boys pick a persona of an immigrant coming to thailand. one group picked a 65-year-old japanese businessman who was a duck farmer. very interested to see what this individual will rap about. well I passed probation officially so this I’m very thankful for. just need to get through these rap sessions. I’m really sad about my mom. but there is some comic relief. maybe what my dad was trying to say was that she is much sicker than anyone knew obviously because if she gets upset he leaves her alone I’m so sad & I just miss ben still. I missed group meditation. have just one more week of school. hope they are kind this week. he wants to save money. his money. it’s beyond anything I have words for.
I will forward the emails to the case worker tomorrow. my dad is the bully. to the point of elderly apathy & murder. he is the stimulus of the pain. I hope my brother does not repeat the pattern to his son. I hope I can heal from everything he is evil.
it really was lovely I love dancing so much
fuck I should have been dancing this whole time
I do really want to perform I just need someone to do it with & trust myself
I feel bad about this
I don’t know how to handle my dad stuff & I do need maybe a therapist but they are going to give me the same advice that I would give myself I just I guess wouldn’t have to put that on other people
in twenty minutes I will feel it out
I think I’m going to try to go dancing tonight
the health care provers were protecting me because they realized my dad was abusing both of us. my brother has been planning this from the beginning they die he gets the house. how can an empty person be more empty? I think both my parents might hate me. I ate granola for dinner I still miss him I’m going to sleep. I’ll sleep soon. teachers can guide not manipulate. well I prepared for it at least. feel so much better today. glad kaiser is seeing what I’m seeing. my classes went really well today. the health officials should have called the police for me as well it’s clearly not an accident. class was better today. I think a quiet night tonight is better.
not sure what to do with my dad now. I called him I said yeah I can’t do this he said yeah I think wait a couple of days cannot believe he tried to pull that. not quite sure how to interpret all this. I called my dad stoic as stone. I have no idea what to do I don’t even know who to talk to here about it. he denied calling me. feeling really strange. maybe will meditate after poetry. how could he do that. he literally sent wrote me an email pretending to be my mom asking me to pretend she was healthy and told me not tell anyone because it affected her confidence. my god what a sick narcissist I’m in shock I don’t know what to do I have no one to talk to here.
my dad was that scowl. dr monk called I’m sure. bless him he saw me just after the abuse as well. now he won’t pick up the phone because now I know he is picking up the phone. he was trying to make her die silently. he is the most evil man on the planet. they want to criticize me for knowing what shit lies ahead. pull my mother into the middle try to tell me I cannot express myself the reason why I was almost killed. father NEWS FICKING FLASH your shit doesn’t work anymore you asshole. if he kills my father let them kill each other sounds more like hamlet at this point. I tried to call he wouldn’t answer he is a horrible disgrace he is the evil I have to shun. I will string up my electric tomorrow. new strings. I still have not put on new strings.
first time to open mic without playing that was weird. also seven minute workouts jack up your knees. I need to regroup tomorrow maybe berlin is a possibility. not sure about the meeting not sure if there were ulterior motives. I do need to get my retainer fixed. one of my favorite mentors in the world is lovingly married to his student in an adult context this means nothing especially because we met before it’s not creepy. pascal was the name of my first violin I’m not the sure this one has a name ari did not really fit. was crying all day told bert about my ptsd asked if I should get another teacher or word. the whole thing is so incredibly painful I’m so sad that the pain will not go away.
the guiding questions were very poor questions. love. how can I trust the universe to bring me the right relationship how can I trigger love devotion of some sort something to trust? to accept imperfection but the kindness to who someone I love I have so much fear today. do I have a blocked heart am I doomed to loneliness? apparently I need to restructure but I don’t know how. compassion for myself? what if I can’t teach? what if I lose my job what if I am not able to confront ptsd & love. I must find true
absence of love
apparently I have a blocked heart and jaded love
she wants me to know she loves me unconditionally
I have not even seen her yet I can ask her but I don’t want her to show if she’s not comfortable
my moms early life was in the ocean but her passion was in the mesas
she asked if they could call her Jillian’s mom
she said they were so sweet they asked her to show her face. she said of course I can’t talk to them it’s four o’clock in the morning