Jenny is not a friend
response to tara rebele’s and im not jenny
Jenny talks with ease about the surface cunts of seals. Jenny spent three hours buying vitamins. Jenny is a sponge. Jenny loves. Jenny is angry. Jenny likes unrequited love. Jenny has brown hair but sometimes she wants it to be red. Jenny tried blond in high school and it was futile. Jenny lost her virginity to the first boy who told her she was afraid of vulnerability.
Jenny never drank then she did. Jenny knew he laughed at her. Jenny was sexy. Jenny was sweet. Jenny said yes. Jenny got what he wanted. He was drunk. She was high. And she woke up alone and found him in the bedroom next door with her virginity. Jenny never dreamed of love in high school. Jenny thought about college. Jenny had a nervous breakdown. Jenny got into one of the best colleges in the country. Jenny barely graduated high school.
Next Jenny got a job and drunk fucked her coworker. His roommate liked her but he told her his friend would respect her more. Jenny got drunk a month later at work and went home with the cook. The cook fed her tequila shots and led her to the bedroom. Jenny was dumb confused and scared shitless. He could read her eyes. He fucked her limp. He raped her and Jenny never said no. Jenny has a hard time forgiving herself. Jenny thinks about this often.
Jenny had a one night stand with the another cook. He liked her and she got into a four year relationship. She was honest enough for him to admit he thought sex with women was disgusting. Every time Jenny wanted to he pushed her away. Sometimes she felt that she was raping him. Jenny drank a lot and lived in her parent’s basement. Jenny dropped out of one of the best colleges in the country. Jenny thought she was in love. Jenny went to school locally, went to a friend’s party and woke up to be molested by her friend’s friend. Jenny’s boyfriend blamed Jenny. Jenny met her brother’s friend who was hot and charismatic. Jenny broke up with boyfriend and went on a date with other boyfriend. Jenny didn’t come home for four years.
Jenny’s new boyfriend was isolating and abusive. Jenny wanted to be wanted and never knew love so she convinced herself to follow him. Jenny could love anyone. Make anyone fall in love with her. No one really knew Jenny. He killed their dog and then almost her. Jenny moved home for a week and then in with a coworker and her husband who are now her best friends. Jenny was strangled. Jenny was beaten. Jenny almost went back to him and had sex with him secretly in the bed of her truck. This used to destroy Jenny. She thinks about this less often. Jenny got a restraining order. Jenny’s brother is still friends with him. Jenny and her brother do not talk. He has a two year old boy. She thinks about this often.
Jenny didn’t know if love and sex or the combination of the two existed. Jenny got her masters. Jenny started playing music again. Jenny acted out a lot. Jenny slept with men and women; cowboy, a friend, an unrequited love. Jenny always loved and was lucky to have this love spread around her. Jenny moved to the other side of the country. Jenny sees chance as meaning. Jenny often doesn’t know what’s real except that sometimes things tether so uniquely it seems the most beautiful coincidence that she could ever imagine. Jenny images this to be love. Jenny gets triggered. Jenny changes. Many times Jenny does not know Jenny.
Jenny wants love, but wonders if this is too pure. She wants sexy love. Kind love. Smart love. Trust in love. Jenny is white and and red and yellow and charred black. Jenny waits for signs. Jenny is fantastically strange. She is simple. Jenny wants none identity and someone to know her. Jenny wants sex and love. Jenny was addicted to sex and violence. Jenny was invisible. Jenny is gorgeously visible and stained. She is not a stereo type nor a cliché. Jenny wants forgiveness. And I am not Jenny.