Tag: memoir

asking for help

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so many things went wrong today I thought my flight was pm instead of am.  my alarm didn’t go off because it’s set to am instead of pm but I woke up without my alarm was happy to get to the airport & then very sad. I didn’t have money in my wells Fargo but in such a panic forgot that I slipped it into my back pocket & then when I did get a hold of my mother thought it was also stolen & my parents shouts at me cancel it I did but then found it & was too late now have only two thousand bhat & no one to ask to help till the end of the month.  I am happy I have a flight and feel really stupid like I just don’t think I even had the security guard help me & everything air asia was so mean they sent me on a wild goose chase I could have been to bkk so much earlier.  

the stolen goods case was sad except for swimming in the ocean that was so nice. so was playing with the band but I had this strange feeling that they all thought if I played with them I would hook up with them.  that was kind of frustrating just like I cannot reach my twitter accounts and I get no response gosh the whole airport incident is so old I really need to triple check everything other and over and over I hate when I go into feel because I forget really small things who ever ends up to be my partner I hope that they can help me.  I don’t know if he will want to hang out I feel as though maybe he’s annoyed because I asked him for help.  I could just ask dis I offend you but then I would be vulnerable and with him I feel less cute than with the bassist. the bassist is sweet even though he is so short. but the say he speaks and acts is with such kindness instead of this distant thing I wish I had been able to make it today.  

the only student you have is with yourself.  what I jerk that air asia guy was I tried looking straight into his soul & he had a cold heart.  I understand people’s faults it was my fault & then he punished me.  if only they had let me purchase the ticket at the time I wanted everything probably would have been fine but they wanted to wait and wait just like I feel so guilty for making him wait.  

I thought about another today.  his husband liked my picture he’s australian & they love bali & was two guys chilling on the beach don’t know if they were gay or not. it’s raining but I don’t want to go inside I really hate being inside. there is a person next to meet smoking a cigarette there is a can of beer next to me & I’m front of me. I can’t tell what they want I will pick up the can. I just did they are probably still watching is okay.  

I keep on trying to think of what was the most poetic thing I did over the weekend & is probably two fold 

my first night playing
well many folded
making friends with a guy that can type but just cannot speak pronounce & laughed so sweet every time.  
swimming in the ocean in surf really well… a girl kind of kicked me that last day and made me feel very uncomfortable with her glad of hatred when she actually kicked me but she didn’t really I think as a surfer I was disrupting her beginners flow.  she catty asked me afterwards I said no worries & her eyes called as her mate distracted her from her present self made victory was really weird 

the australian was amusing.  I don’t really get why in a four sided smoking perch of all four sides people keep sitting on my side I’m obviously busy for a reason.  maybe that’s a compliment he’s european they love those voice chats I have no whatsapp this is kind of interesting my number will change again I didn’t want it the change the theifs ruined everything.  

I like the sounds of this more than thieves the later always reminds me of sieve & that. To me sounds much more positive.  not that I haven’t been a the if & yes this was thrilling but I stole small objexts from retail or gift shops not the poor. they had no idea knowing I was poor maybe that’s why they didn’t take my wallet but obviously they were entranced by the German presentation of my media equipment. which is sad bc I worked really hard for that & if that hadn’t happened I would not have run into any of these other strange endeavors.  

So now without internet and with the show I write to pass the time and ramble bc that is better than scrolling in an airport for hours which I have to be used to by now but am not.  
I would listen to music but my library has been erased.  my friend. sent me a weird message and I could not still cannot tell if she was mocking me?  she said where are you in Germany or Thailand but didn’t ask how I was?  People don’t pay attention unless with hashtags.  

I have enjoyed being sore in my body I love swimming & walking the coast & sex as exercise. the australian was clever said can I stay with you fueled fucked me which. I think we both needed after the recent trauma he also had a girlfriend gosh jillian when. will you meet someone who wants to give his all to you. I have two and a half hours left I think that I am doing okay.  It’s nice is the lounge of the smokers there is not really any judgment.  

but yes. he fucked much better,  but not the best & no I didn’t come.  he reflected upon this also.  part of me thinks he was a part of the scam.  but then that would be me thinking very ill of an over exuberant inappropriate at times not very culturally aware lover which if u had ever met the norwegian punk guy hooked on pills & broke in my living room would think this guys was pretty tame. 

I  will go I’m when I have to pee I am frustrated that the air asia guy won in a sort of way but at least I didn’t not have to hand over my card when I found it in my back pocket it was folded bent. maybe that was a sign. 

I hate not having internet without the option of wifi when there is no activity. the thought did cross my mind of playing for some extra cash while I waited at the airport but I think there must be some sort of law against that. My body is getting tire however I think that I will need to move inside at some point strange how strangers are content to be strangers in public & how I always feel so unsure about him bc he doesn’t follow me anymore last. Night was the first. Time he did in such a long time & I felt like my excitement of fusion and incalculable vibes just made me unravel.  Will go inside soon I’m starting to get sore from sitting crossed legged how do these monks do it.  

I do have to say I was so brave this trip. mostly besides the return I hate endings. I’m so bad at them will just have to see I just don’t want to go back inside. 

aircon comfy seats fan & iced tea & music & wifi are also extremely beautiful as well as completely beautiful friend s that don’t make me feel bad for asking for help

it will be published at the end of the month

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after bali. I sent them to you. I am not sure if you will be able to read them. but the first one is from when we were together. yesterday I did see my good friend also we hung out & ate burgers rode on her scooter & played was so sweet. just what I like. I wish I could show you the important picture but I cannot. I did show the important picture. I think it’s salt I need more potassium.

away from water is probably good. the last day was sabotage & I don’t know how to deal with this

I had to hold her hand through everything. I won’t chase anymore it’s like parkyn. grow up. yes at three. grow up. tomorrow is our water new year celebration. I sent him a purple heart but I still don’t really even know him yet it’s the first time I’m actually listening to his german. the whisper game is for kids not my heart.

I just have to take step by step & I want someone to dance with. I taught them to whisper because they were screaming at me with the right vocab word so now I make them whisper & they fall apart laughing on their backs it’s so cute. the beach one. I love that dress. the blue dress is in the suitcase in munich, I don’t believe in luck … but chance … & dreams … yes that will never end.

this is also completely necessary if you want people to care about the environment to THE most polluted air in the WORLD. inspire. intrinsic motivation. we have proven this. each plant will come with a letter to how they will keep their flower alive. because it will blossom. plus I really don’t want the plants that we have diligently taken care of to die. we need to give structure to both parties. he told me good trip.

I was alvaro’s lacrosse champion

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in love with fossils & boys as winter snowed in faces. there was a tournament at midnight & I had an older brother.

omg they are like my little wolf pack they are just having trouble with the meaning of patience lately. that’s why it looks yellow mine’s more red. im playing a rental violin there it was right after I played at his funeral. when you talk about a friend you mean a friend. well that’s good to process. it was casual because I thought maybe it was the fans oh gosh. wow people are really lucky that there are worlds bigger than themselves. today angle brought in and played a pink violin. there was also a flat tire incident on the highway on the way to school but I don’t want to post that picture.

can’t believe I got it sweet dreams. we made bracelets which are surprisingly difficult. we are studying the aabb pattern. I am really good at interviews. this is amazing. maybe with the kids tomorrow morning. wow think I’ll be headed to beijing in july. first chinese dudes stood me up. I’m still working in munich. weird. I am still working in munich? it was so expensive for wheat & no sex. I miss germany I’m not sure why I miss a person here but im not sure he misses someone else. one thing: she said is he cute or am I trippin. it was just a date. I’m not very good at those. he tricked me on the train & I missed my one stop away my mind literally blanked & walked back. I tipped her 20 bhat & thanked her & her eyes were so sweet looking in disbelief. then everyone tipped her. sweet on the river.

maybe china would be good

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he told me I wouldn’t believe that he loved me but I do. maybe we will meet again someday I wish it was just later today. I wish we were closer. we forgave each other. this means the world. just had a really true orgasm not sure how to interpret this. gonna try to sleep. I miss his voice his touch his kisses. his tongue. I actually do miss him. we talked for the first time just now I wish things had been different or that he could visit me. I don’t know about china. I don’t really know what that means except maybe berlin if thailand won’t help me with a doctorate it makes no sense to be here.

last weekend a special needs japanese man who couldn’t speak english hid in the bushes on the roof, jumped in front of me shoved a cigarette in my face repeatedly & then spit in my hair. I made a formal complaint, but there was nothing that they could do. there is such a thing to win because you fight & it is quite another to do so with simply being empathetic flexible challenging adaptable & kind. it’s simple.

maybe I will dream again

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maybe I will dream again

both of the men this morning in the interview were wearing pink I wonder if this was a coincidence? it’s a weird ideology. maybe they would negotiate or make an exception. otherwise maybe I say bye to academia I like it so much though. & it is so vital to humanity. there are so many religiously wrong things to say about this. & they could have easily told me this over the phone. well maybe they have some ideas. I think I will need to go the little people route. academia is so frustrating. how can a university pay you 15,000 per year & charge you 10,000 to get your PhD. I don’t how much they think you can sacrifice to catholic faith that is completely absurd. I emailed the doctor see what he says . I’m kind of emotional today no idea why. almost there. okay on my way to the interview.

a guy asked me today what my dreams were & honestly thought I wish I could continue my dreams without the obstacles of money this has to be my next step. discipline helps me also yes. balance. & sex. sex really helps me & cuddling. I feel lost when I feel like who I was. & when those people use manipulative techniques to tell me they will never change. I feel found when people know this & love & see & support me to continue to break barriers & find that true love. I don’t feel lost when I teach or play music because this is connection with respect & boundaries. but this is work there must be more of a balance.

I feel most found connecting to someone physically & intimately. I feel lost when I cannot feel a strong connection to my path. I feel lost in new beginnings. I feel lost when I feel stuck. I feel lost when I think I may fail without community. I feel lost when I feel I have failed at love. I feel lost if I am not achieving. I feel lost when. I feel lost when people tell me to care less or judge my passion or show extreme hatred & violence. I could stop swimming & drown. I feel lost when I am not in my body. I feel lost when my poetry mimics the physical world too appropriately. I feel lost when I feel people manipulate my natural character to trust. I feel lost when I’m not sure I can love. or be loved. when & how I usually feel lost : I guess more appropriate would when I don’t. I don’t feel lost when I’m touching someone I trust without words.

I guess I usually feel lost. my mind rabbit holes into worlds that make sense & don’t. whenever I don’t have money I feel lost because. this is quite strange somehow the algorithm has been reset. possibly consulting I am not sure was a random sponsored add to get from facebook. that would apply to business English & give me the opportunity to travel more. I did get a haircut for my interview tomorrow they did a really good job. gosh I need more clothes.

I think it was six

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I didn’t get my amp again I just feel guilt it would be better if he dropped it off. & also. my student ray randomly asked me what is a rose when I was at my desk that’s why. it was somehow perfect though. It’s strange not to have a natural monitor & a fixed shoulder rest. I said three words in the taxi. yes & you too.

they called. everything I said was not for nothing. the next time we will plant chilies early to see the fruit grow. there was nothing in the news, but neither when I saved that other woman at a popular bar. so after playing my electric for the first time from when I couldn’t hear then could yes I rode home on a motor bike without a helmet & we passed a white man splayed on the concrete unconscious & he looked dead. it was very hard but I was numb from music.  it was hard. I recorded though I will listen to it for me.

I am really tired of people using their dreams on me.  I don’t know though just clawing over someone saying sweetie is NOT that. anti capitalism, I would want to be more private until the relationship was really developed. the public relationships I love most keep their secrets. I have never met the owner of my school called “THE doctor” but he should really reconsider his strategic plan if he wants to be legit.

my best friend knows this place

they only had TWO band aids in the whole school

that’s why but that’s not the picture

I think it was six

electric violin really beautiful music really bad bike crash body on street make white Falang looked dead five ambulances

if genetic makeup affects everything what is that genetic makeup made up of. molecules & energy control the tides of the sea how can we not believe planets emit this same energy. so we have those core components to when we are born. but every element is a player.

I miss my friend

the last unicorn

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feel the need to bring lunch to school these eggs will kill you. & yes he had to deal with the half ton dead body of a horse which was not an easy thing to do. you will complain about your sister & how lonely she was.

tell her to move in with dad & block them all on your facebook. with less copper.

there will be so many love games that you know are actually intuitively stupid. do not participate. before or after. well maybe if those vows were ever true. whenever you are under stress wear glasses. don’t really need them. like the red poem. it’s love lane inn & an electric violin. don’t tell anyone it’s a secret. now its better with a heartbeat. a hello kitty band aid and some rest. if you can’t hug or forgive there is intrinsically something wrong with you. your horse lived to be 100. she was brilliant. hint: really don’t like this stone must be like the last unicorn.

I miss my friend

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I have an idea

the birds are very hard to see you have to pay attention. & judgments, but I’m really glad she shared her tactics everything makes more sense now. & later for her education focused on human rights & still battles. the same bullshit every day. the girl at work who I knew I liked, but then so strange, I really do. I found out she was in the military for six years & I’m so sorry & probably more but just this fact. really cracks open my heart. got my tickets to bali was much easier this time around. one month.

my friends from munich contacted me I love them. I feel like I remember things on a lunar cycle without actually cognitively trying to remember them. I need sex violin & a computer. what is a rose.

I was very hard on the tinder people. thank you to the boys I like. in the end the cat does not come into the picture, but i will get my amp back. maybe a good book also or music. really crazy sex.

the sun is a crazy thing. he said that now he was a painter. which is okay because laughs are better than hate. well there’s a reason for orchestras. she traced my face. my eyebrows cheeks lips chin lips then tapped me on the head. I also thought about malaysia again but they said they didn’t like gay people and that’s like sacrilege. here we go I go on the night walk now. according to the chart this would be an s for strawberries. 15 years teaching the letter u? well, humanity needs all spectrums.

if you learn how to think better life is the craziest ride you could imagine. the point here is could. it pushes the mind in the best ways. otherwise you are happily dull & stagnant & easily controlled. they almost look down on achieving what’s up with that like a cage. what the fuck same with people that don’t like learning. even if you are a teacher what the hell. thankful today was so long bike passport taxi line walk photocopy sit transfer stamp eat photocopy argue with work line sit break sit don’t fall asleep walk coffee don’t fall asleep self massage to keep from falling asleep pay wait passport cigarette taxi don’t fall asleep home.

they should make an electronic song remixing “at counter number” from the voice at immigration. I’m so hungry. this is an experiment. I need another book & a friend & sex & I have an idea.

lanterns sacred personal home

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every key without ever before learning the key when I trusted myself to truly play. today marks the day I played violin for the first after everything

omg the fire alarm again       …              our building has a defect alarm

I read a full book for the first time in a long while straight through a fable was nice. I just thought of marry poppins spoonful of sugar idealism. I don’t think is bad, hope I don’t either.  I still love the ocean & really beautiful hair knots. another common theme was travel collaboration & using money not as an aim but as a facilitator to things much greater secrets we already have the answer to if we listen. but the oasis of love was covered in palm trees & wells full of water. & ultimately hope was better than treasure. treasure just needed to be found to see that love was better. it can guide you to first self love then partnership. & was in the desert. The premise began as trusting your dreams & how they work with physical reality & relationships & lessons where ultimately neither magic nor nature knows of love but if one can communicate & trust rather than control & alienate then prayer not religious prayer but human prayer. about destiny. alchemy & trust & love & finding truth in what you knew all along if brave enough to follow your heart & messages from the universe I think that’s the first fiction book I have held & read for like 8 years. I need to read more was really calming. I like the strong hand to guide me & surprise me I surprise myself to much sometimes. how many poems wrapped around me breaking into the roof & morning was my favorite. what is the difference between follow your heart (American) follow the mind (Macedonian) the difference & why. also this slovenian liquor beer colored that tastes like honey with gold flakes : yesterday / was so nice.

Paper Boat Watermelon

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There was a woman who inquired about an interview from me months ago. Her name was Laura Solomon. Laura had inquired about giving me an interview about five months ago. She emailed briefly I had reached out to her previously, but she had just undergone brain surgery. I was going through multiple surgeries with my hand and all other previous issues mentioned and so politely put her off to what seemed a little pushy. It was not until yesterday I realized her pushiness may have been because she was considering or in the midst of approaching death. She died on the 21st of February from a brain tumor. I have not written an interview for three years. I agreed to the interview just asked her to give me some time. They are still sitting in my inbox. She published another interview that I read yesterday that stated “winning”. The picture on the front pictured her with a yellow backdrop hot magenta lipstick and sunglasses. Obvious contradictions of her recent departure.

This was at the same time of the recent Nike commercial that is all about women empowerment in sports. I like the commercial, and the mind behind the activity is obviously intrinsic to any talent, but yet again western society was projecting women as of the body. This made me realize how trapped Laura must have felt knowing her limited life limit just as I thought I may never get to play music again. Also the horror of surgery is really unbelievable and only talking through metaphysics or surreal landscapes that I think I could get to which I haven’t really approached yet and would be more of a surreal poem. Maybe something do with living in a war zone and plastics and empty air. But as I read her work things seemed to be very straight forward. I assume that is also her type of aesthetic.  I also wondered if the reason she reached out to me and her death was a coincidence or acceptance of the soon inevitable.

In her poems she describes a love relationship where she hands her MRI scan along with a book on topography to a new lover. She also admits that if she was God she would judge her. Wanting needy self indignant. I noticed the whispers that were coming from these confessions were like songs of the oral traditions of poetry where poets would recite their messages out loud to one another as they were more easily hidden. In a way she was singing a song over her own grave. Is this same impeding knowledge of one’s death as near change a person’s perspective? Is this similar to the feeling of one at war? Domestic violence? Yes.

 What if you know that as she puts it “your brain is being eaten either way?”. And was her attempt to as she says “at living forever/ My long shot at immortality?”. She replies to her rhetorical inquisition with this: “if you take the time to listen. I still alive. In the selection that she picks from her novel.  _____________ we then travel to heaven with famous celebrities mocking their shocking demise. For example Kurt’s blown brains, Marilyns overdose. A common theme of suicide. The poem is called “The Party” and as readers we are informed that everyone has to be invited to the party. The last line of the poem which is the last that she sends to me is, “The black telephone rings./ I move to answer it,/Nobody is there. /I can hear the 22 century heavy breathing down the line.” To see the future as this black is representative of not only cancer in the brain, but cancer in humanity. Brave enough to look at her own truth, but also in a despairingly difficult way.

When I visited her FaceBook page the family announced they were thankful that she did not take her life. The metaphysical progression of this interview and this meditation remind me that there is rediscovery and different realities and I am thankful to be participating here in it. Also that there is much work to be down while we are here so that Laura’s foreshadowing is not correct.  After all this I listened to this image and I could not help but falling in love with the partially heard correct line: paper boat watermelon. Probably the kindest image I could imagine as a healthy brain.