maybe I will dream again

maybe I will dream again

both of the men this morning in the interview were wearing pink I wonder if this was a coincidence? it’s a weird ideology. maybe they would negotiate or make an exception. otherwise maybe I say bye to academia I like it so much though. & it is so vital to humanity. there are so many religiously wrong things to say about this. & they could have easily told me this over the phone. well maybe they have some ideas. I think I will need to go the little people route. academia is so frustrating. how can a university pay you 15,000 per year & charge you 10,000 to get your PhD. I don’t how much they think you can sacrifice to catholic faith that is completely absurd. I emailed the doctor see what he says . I’m kind of emotional today no idea why. almost there. okay on my way to the interview.

a guy asked me today what my dreams were & honestly thought I wish I could continue my dreams without the obstacles of money this has to be my next step. discipline helps me also yes. balance. & sex. sex really helps me & cuddling. I feel lost when I feel like who I was. & when those people use manipulative techniques to tell me they will never change. I feel found when people know this & love & see & support me to continue to break barriers & find that true love. I don’t feel lost when I teach or play music because this is connection with respect & boundaries. but this is work there must be more of a balance.

I feel most found connecting to someone physically & intimately. I feel lost when I cannot feel a strong connection to my path. I feel lost in new beginnings. I feel lost when I feel stuck. I feel lost when I think I may fail without community. I feel lost when I feel I have failed at love. I feel lost if I am not achieving. I feel lost when. I feel lost when people tell me to care less or judge my passion or show extreme hatred & violence. I could stop swimming & drown. I feel lost when I am not in my body. I feel lost when my poetry mimics the physical world too appropriately. I feel lost when I feel people manipulate my natural character to trust. I feel lost when I’m not sure I can love. or be loved. when & how I usually feel lost : I guess more appropriate would when I don’t. I don’t feel lost when I’m touching someone I trust without words.

I guess I usually feel lost. my mind rabbit holes into worlds that make sense & don’t. whenever I don’t have money I feel lost because. this is quite strange somehow the algorithm has been reset. possibly consulting I am not sure was a random sponsored add to get from facebook. that would apply to business English & give me the opportunity to travel more. I did get a haircut for my interview tomorrow they did a really good job. gosh I need more clothes.

I love motorbikes

it actually was a dressed up real ninja he was japanese at the kareoke bar. I can’t forget. I was a cheerleader at karaoke & there were no crashes. philosophically it’s absurd but in practice. where should I go in bali. I will talk to the guy that named me beautiful. I would like some really comfortable sex now. I actually do miss him. he was different before I left but maybe I was too. it was her nice boyfriend dream with a dog.

I actually did not like the pink girl. I really like the black & white one. obviously. fuck you. why the fuck did your friends stand that. why did you make my scar like frankenstein why did you fuck up the surgery why did you put fucking pins in my hand when you could not break the bone. why the fuck did you break my hand without a bruise on you. why did you lie. why did you leave after every time youcalled the cops. what is actually a diplomat beyond knowing a bunch of random facts? wear slippers on your balcony & know the reason. we didn’t dance it was too crowded & the music was ah. we painted & sat & chilled & then our friend vomited & we went home. I don’t even take selfies anymore preschool is ruining me. I don’t know why this weird boy game I am not a fan. I want a partner.  tomorrow I have to go back to the warp zone. omg I missed it but it rained.