maybe I will dream again

both of the men this morning in the interview were wearing pink I wonder if this was a coincidence? it’s a weird ideology. maybe they would negotiate or make an exception. otherwise maybe I say bye to academia I like it so much though. & it is so vital to humanity. there are so many religiously wrong things to say about this. & they could have easily told me this over the phone. well maybe they have some ideas. I think I will need to go the little people route. academia is so frustrating. how can a university pay you 15,000 per year & charge you 10,000 to get your PhD. I don’t how much they think you can sacrifice to catholic faith that is completely absurd. I emailed the doctor see what he says . I’m kind of emotional today no idea why. almost there. okay on my way to the interview.

a guy asked me today what my dreams were & honestly thought I wish I could continue my dreams without the obstacles of money this has to be my next step. discipline helps me also yes. balance. & sex. sex really helps me & cuddling. I feel lost when I feel like who I was. & when those people use manipulative techniques to tell me they will never change. I feel found when people know this & love & see & support me to continue to break barriers & find that true love. I don’t feel lost when I teach or play music because this is connection with respect & boundaries. but this is work there must be more of a balance.

I feel most found connecting to someone physically & intimately. I feel lost when I cannot feel a strong connection to my path. I feel lost in new beginnings. I feel lost when I feel stuck. I feel lost when I think I may fail without community. I feel lost when I feel I have failed at love. I feel lost if I am not achieving. I feel lost when. I feel lost when people tell me to care less or judge my passion or show extreme hatred & violence. I could stop swimming & drown. I feel lost when I am not in my body. I feel lost when my poetry mimics the physical world too appropriately. I feel lost when I feel people manipulate my natural character to trust. I feel lost when I’m not sure I can love. or be loved. when & how I usually feel lost : I guess more appropriate would when I don’t. I don’t feel lost when I’m touching someone I trust without words.

I guess I usually feel lost. my mind rabbit holes into worlds that make sense & don’t. whenever I don’t have money I feel lost because. this is quite strange somehow the algorithm has been reset. possibly consulting I am not sure was a random sponsored add to get from facebook. that would apply to business English & give me the opportunity to travel more. I did get a haircut for my interview tomorrow they did a really good job. gosh I need more clothes.