I didn’t mean those things … the world fell from beneath me … so different from the week before … I feel like I climbed a mountain was so amazing & they are so nice, the mountain guy I will see tonight. tonight I played so fucking well with a whole band each song by ear. I care about this one. was sweating through the whole set. they just kept me up there. I could play everything from queen to nirvana to billy joel to aerosmith we couldn’t stop kissing. indonesian folk songs to sweet child of mine. we couldn’t stop kissing.
this is the longest upload in the history of uploads. don’t play with my heart. I have never been so happy to hear hotel california. rock music by my house with a tiny beer & my violin beside me. I will go on a hike tomorrow & finally capture the sunset.
the neon pic sign that welcomes you into this place I am sure I have been before. when we go inside it says hey gorgeous tomorrow they have a live stage on the street. I walked for forty minutes on the beach back in the dark & by some miracle came out at my exact exit for my hostel without gps. marooned in the rain entertained by two sweet Indonesians who serenaded me told me they loved my tattoo & teachers & then I got a gig. swimming in the rain looks nice.
I am so unsure about moving . what I mostly wanted to do was see him before he left.
it was his brothers band I got there early & ate calamari. I felt awkward the waitress said I was beautiful the drummer agreed so I went up we played a slow first song on my solo the drummer behind me & the bassist gasped / I got so nervous the next song was take me home but I was nervous & shenia twain I felt I sounded fake don’t really like those songs. the drunk friendly very blond australian asked me why I was sitting alone just before. afterwards commended my playing & then the jimmy jealous drummer showed up & we had a funny chat … josh he told everyone joe was very insistent & funny & I said one of my favorite things here was to walk on the beach at night … so we dropped his motorbike & my violin … then after walking a bit sat then he said let’s swim in the ocean. I followed it was so sweet & funny in the almost full moon. he found a sand dollar & thought it was a crab head threw it back into the ocean saw some guys on the shore near our bag thought nothing of it. we came back & sat happy tired from the surf & he noticed his bag missing. I felt in mine & my flip-flops my little makeup bag with all my shells & my phone & power bank was gone. He asked me to check my wallet all cash gone.we went to the hotel demanded the police & they rolled their eyes saying that this happens all the time the police were busy. so we walked back he had no motorbike key or. hotel part of me thinks again this was all too much of a coincidence & I was actually the one who was scammed. he bed me because of everything it was nice. he left the next morning asking maybe to stay with me but left to canguu. I was left with emptiness & a desire to get a phone & come home. today I got a really slow cheap phone I’m going back tomorrow to see if there is something better. my friend I want to see I will when I get back … he said rest & sleep maybe play tomorrow or visit the bassist but then yes to the arms I know are true. I don’t want to go to. china but it is the only to do. maybe see again. I don’t know how I feel about this.
you, but you got pissed at a young girl for climbing on the temple trees
you made me pray with you which was nice really
but I couldn’t fly close the flowers & they dropped
to the meditation cave
your family grows tomatoes & chilies
no rice you tell me. not enough water.
traveling with you is strange
you are from the volcano town.
your name is sail
away back to kuta
I separately had an amazing orgasm
rain is reading weather
a great day, a ballet & a bit of opium
well no that’s probably the favorite
forgave me for this.
so many things went wrong today I thought my flight was pm
instead of am. my alarm didn’t go off because it’s set to am instead of
pm but I woke up without my alarm was happy to get to the airport & then
very sad. I didn’t have money in my wells Fargo but in such a panic forgot that
I slipped it into my back pocket & then when I did get a hold of my mother
thought it was also stolen & my parents shouts at me cancel it I did but
then found it & was too late now have only two thousand bhat & no one
to ask to help till the end of the month. I am happy I have a flight and
feel really stupid like I just don’t think I even had the security guard help
me & everything air asia was so mean they sent me on a wild goose chase I
could have been to bkk so much earlier.
the stolen goods case was sad except for swimming in the ocean that was so nice. so was playing with the band but I had this strange feeling that they all thought if I played with them I would hook up with them. that was kind of frustrating just like I cannot reach my twitter accounts and I get no response gosh the whole airport incident is so old I really need to triple check everything other and over and over I hate when I go into feel because I forget really small things who ever ends up to be my partner I hope that they can help me. I don’t know if he will want to hang out I feel as though maybe he’s annoyed because I asked him for help. I could just ask dis I offend you but then I would be vulnerable and with him I feel less cute than with the bassist. the bassist is sweet even though he is so short. but the say he speaks and acts is with such kindness instead of this distant thing I wish I had been able to make it today.
the only student you have is with yourself. what I jerk that air asia guy was I tried looking straight into his soul & he had a cold heart. I understand people’s faults it was my fault & then he punished me. if only they had let me purchase the ticket at the time I wanted everything probably would have been fine but they wanted to wait and wait just like I feel so guilty for making him wait.
I thought about another today. his husband liked my picture he’s australian & they love bali & was two guys chilling on the beach don’t know if they were gay or not. it’s raining but I don’t want to go inside I really hate being inside. there is a person next to meet smoking a cigarette there is a can of beer next to me & I’m front of me. I can’t tell what they want I will pick up the can. I just did they are probably still watching is okay.
I keep on trying to think of what was the most poetic thing I did over the weekend & is probably two fold
my first night playing
well many folded
making friends with a guy that can type but just cannot speak pronounce & laughed so sweet every time.
swimming in the ocean in surf really well… a girl kind of kicked me that last day and made me feel very uncomfortable with her glad of hatred when she actually kicked me but she didn’t really I think as a surfer I was disrupting her beginners flow. she catty asked me afterwards I said no worries & her eyes called as her mate distracted her from her present self made victory was really weird
the australian was amusing. I don’t really get why in a four sided smoking perch of all four sides people keep sitting on my side I’m obviously busy for a reason. maybe that’s a compliment he’s european they love those voice chats I have no whatsapp this is kind of interesting my number will change again I didn’t want it the change the theifs ruined everything.
I like the sounds of this more than thieves the later always
reminds me of sieve & that. To me sounds much more positive. not that
I haven’t been a the if & yes this was thrilling but I stole small objexts
from retail or gift shops not the poor. they had no idea knowing I was
poor maybe that’s why they didn’t take my wallet but obviously they were
entranced by the German presentation of my media equipment. which is sad
bc I worked really hard for that & if that hadn’t happened I would not have
run into any of these other strange endeavors.
So now without internet and with the show I write to pass the
time and ramble bc that is better than scrolling in an airport for hours which
I have to be used to by now but am not.
I would listen to music but my library has been erased. my friend. sent me a weird message and I could not still cannot tell if she was mocking me? she said where are you in Germany or Thailand but didn’t ask how I was? People don’t pay attention unless with hashtags.
I have enjoyed being sore in my body I love swimming & walking the coast & sex as exercise. the australian was clever said can I stay with you fueled fucked me which. I think we both needed after the recent trauma he also had a girlfriend gosh jillian when. will you meet someone who wants to give his all to you. I have two and a half hours left I think that I am doing okay. It’s nice is the lounge of the smokers there is not really any judgment.
but yes. he fucked much better, but not the best & no I didn’t come. he reflected upon this also. part of me thinks he was a part of the scam. but then that would be me thinking very ill of an over exuberant inappropriate at times not very culturally aware lover which if u had ever met the norwegian punk guy hooked on pills & broke in my living room would think this guys was pretty tame.
I will go I’m when I have to pee I am frustrated that the air asia guy won in a sort of way but at least I didn’t not have to hand over my card when I found it in my back pocket it was folded bent. maybe that was a sign.
I hate not having internet without the option of wifi when there is no activity. the thought did cross my mind of playing for some extra cash while I waited at the airport but I think there must be some sort of law against that. My body is getting tire however I think that I will need to move inside at some point strange how strangers are content to be strangers in public & how I always feel so unsure about him bc he doesn’t follow me anymore last. Night was the first. Time he did in such a long time & I felt like my excitement of fusion and incalculable vibes just made me unravel. Will go inside soon I’m starting to get sore from sitting crossed legged how do these monks do it.
I do have to say I was so brave this trip. mostly besides the return I hate endings. I’m so bad at them will just have to see I just don’t want to go back inside.
aircon comfy seats fan & iced tea & music & wifi are also extremely beautiful as well as completely beautiful friend s that don’t make me feel bad for asking for help
after bali. I sent them to you. I am not sure if you will be able to read them. but the first one is from when we were together. yesterday I did see my good friend also we hung out & ate burgers rode on her scooter & played was so sweet. just what I like. I wish I could show you the important picture but I cannot. I did show the important picture. I think it’s salt I need more potassium.
away from water is probably good. the last day was sabotage & I don’t know how to deal with this
I had to hold her hand through everything. I won’t chase anymore it’s like parkyn. grow up. yes at three. grow up. tomorrow is our water new year celebration. I sent him a purple heart but I still don’t really even know him yet it’s the first time I’m actually listening to his german. the whisper game is for kids not my heart.
I just have to take step by step & I want someone to dance with. I taught them to whisper because they were screaming at me with the right vocab word so now I make them whisper & they fall apart laughing on their backs it’s so cute. the beach one. I love that dress. the blue dress is in the suitcase in munich, I don’t believe in luck … but chance … & dreams … yes that will never end.
this is also completely necessary if you want people to care about the environment to THE most polluted air in the WORLD. inspire. intrinsic motivation. we have proven this. each plant will come with a letter to how they will keep their flower alive. because it will blossom. plus I really don’t want the plants that we have diligently taken care of to die. we need to give structure to both parties. he told me good trip.
he told me that made him happy
its good that pleases me. ich bin aufgeregt und ein wenig besorgt & I miss him. they would be more enthusiastic if they read the jungle cruise with life free of Paine *person. the insurance settlement is done now I think I’m not sure why I got mail for this they said it was over. my watch is fixed with a pink upgrade I have a new sports bra & pink shirt & shorts. also a flower shirt for new years.
tomorrow I start the process including schools. china will be different but I also know now it’s okay. will be fine. life is not about lück. it’s really hard work in a strategic atmosphere that could always drift away. but least likely to if you know the system. & people that know that you know the system like that you know this. so percentages of success are much higher.
I also had a lovable picture of me flipping off some people. losing face is an asian thing we are the planet hadn’t you noticed? you wanna survive. respect ist the new cool thing. you’ll also make more money. don’t touch my team that includes my students & my peers. & if you could be patient for the flower you would realize we had a butterfly coming. what is this whole power trip with your best most friendly class. I still have never met him this is weird. apparently the infamous “doctor” came to visit today.
& his voice is so sexy. I love his german voice. I wish he could just speak to me in german & I could figure out what he is saying. I need a flower shirt & a watch shop. he asked me what should he say to me in german. specifically what should I in german to you say. so much really everything is that answer allowed? officially signed am going to china.
if I trusted myself too much then I would be an asshole. because it would eliminate empathy & change. I never want an ending but that’s problematic because then it’s hard to find new beginnings. it’s complete opposites I’m really unsure why that’s why I love moving & absolutely hate it & hold onto love as if there is never an end. endings actually physically hurt. with friends I like independence with lovers I find this to be my achilles heel it’s very hard to navigate. I practice it a lot because everyone says chill take a breath & my breaths are so strange but I hate being alone. I hate being alone when I have to chase people otherwise I never want to be alone. I need an acupuncturist. it’s not dehydration & it’s not muscular. it’s a bone thing. I can’t turn my neck to the right.
I had a kind day some stranger can really just back off. & food preference is probably the least of worries. tell people to stop killing people or stop having children or fix the earth dying don’t attack me. well I didn’t really expect to get that passionate about all of that but people seriously need to be nicer. he said good I wish I could hear his voice I miss having a boyfriend. I also just wanted to cuddle. my teaching thing was quite nice it was real time. we made bracelets which are surprisingly difficult. we are studying the aabb pattern. I got a little band.
in love with fossils & boys as winter snowed in faces. there was a tournament at midnight & I had an older brother.
omg they are like my little wolf pack they are just having trouble with the meaning of patience lately. that’s why it looks yellow mine’s more red. im playing a rental violin there it was right after I played at his funeral. when you talk about a friend you mean a friend. well that’s good to process. it was casual because I thought maybe it was the fans oh gosh. wow people are really lucky that there are worlds bigger than themselves. today angle brought in and played a pink violin. there was also a flat tire incident on the highway on the way to school but I don’t want to post that picture.
can’t believe I got it sweet dreams. we made bracelets which are surprisingly difficult. we are studying the aabb pattern. I am really good at interviews. this is amazing. maybe with the kids tomorrow morning. wow think I’ll be headed to beijing in july. first chinese dudes stood me up. I’m still working in munich. weird. I am still working in munich? it was so expensive for wheat & no sex. I miss germany I’m not sure why I miss a person here but im not sure he misses someone else. one thing: she said is he cute or am I trippin. it was just a date. I’m not very good at those. he tricked me on the train & I missed my one stop away my mind literally blanked & walked back. I tipped her 20 bhat & thanked her & her eyes were so sweet looking in disbelief. then everyone tipped her. sweet on the river.
he told me I wouldn’t believe that he loved me but I do. maybe we will meet again someday I wish it was just later today. I wish we were closer. we forgave each other. this means the world. just had a really true orgasm not sure how to interpret this. gonna try to sleep. I miss his voice his touch his kisses. his tongue. I actually do miss him. we talked for the first time just now I wish things had been different or that he could visit me. I don’t know about china. I don’t really know what that means except maybe berlin if thailand won’t help me with a doctorate it makes no sense to be here.
last weekend a special needs japanese man who couldn’t speak english hid in the bushes on the roof, jumped in front of me shoved a cigarette in my face repeatedly & then spit in my hair. I made a formal complaint, but there was nothing that they could do. there is such a thing to win because you fight & it is quite another to do so with simply being empathetic flexible challenging adaptable & kind. it’s simple.
chocolate was for breakfast. hopefully my date is free today this blows. she has another nightmare but luckily can’t remember it. it will be okay. I forgot to eat yesterday was so stupid. sometimes you just have to remind yourself you are pretty. like differing views of logic. we planted zinnias which will be flowering soon including a mystery plant. I don’t actually give stickers because I think that you can inspire motivation by watering plants. I always give it’s my thing, but the world should allow me to do this without deficit. the whole greed thing it’s really old. don’t worry I love them dearly. dreams faith is a money symbol. that’s it. back home I had two cats a gecko a dog & a fish living in a studio apartment flooded with plants. we all loved each other. get yourself self together. I don’t like cliques. you inspire bullying. not in my house. even when I don’t have one. not in my house. what is a writer anyways completely literally on the other side of the globe. yeah maybe you could listen to those I’m so tired & burnt out. you took everything. hope u are happy.
I was baptized catholic. that obviously means nothing. because religion is capitalized it always has been so what of good people. there is no logic besides convert or die & really? fuck u. grow up.
& now again no money for things that actually change the world. in every avenue that I love. I have not read a woman author that inspires me because it’s the same clique. it’s over exhausted. to what. I think maybe now you have an idea. it’s what the western world tells me again, but I’m not that upset about it. it’s not a critic thing. it’s encouraging empathic love thing. small people are brilliant & we are all that. let it go was so fucking cute. angel walked in today with a microphone & an elsa capsulate. elsa is cold for a reason. to erase the past is to eradicate your self nourishments your love your heartbreak your loves. to common past is how I elaborate my future.
maybe I will dream again
both of the men this morning in the interview were wearing pink I wonder if this was a coincidence? it’s a weird ideology. maybe they would negotiate or make an exception. otherwise maybe I say bye to academia I like it so much though. & it is so vital to humanity. there are so many religiously wrong things to say about this. & they could have easily told me this over the phone. well maybe they have some ideas. I think I will need to go the little people route. academia is so frustrating. how can a university pay you 15,000 per year & charge you 10,000 to get your PhD. I don’t how much they think you can sacrifice to catholic faith that is completely absurd. I emailed the doctor see what he says . I’m kind of emotional today no idea why. almost there. okay on my way to the interview.
a guy asked me today what my dreams were & honestly thought I wish I could continue my dreams without the obstacles of money this has to be my next step. discipline helps me also yes. balance. & sex. sex really helps me & cuddling. I feel lost when I feel like who I was. & when those people use manipulative techniques to tell me they will never change. I feel found when people know this & love & see & support me to continue to break barriers & find that true love. I don’t feel lost when I teach or play music because this is connection with respect & boundaries. but this is work there must be more of a balance.
I feel most found connecting to someone physically & intimately. I feel lost when I cannot feel a strong connection to my path. I feel lost in new beginnings. I feel lost when I feel stuck. I feel lost when I think I may fail without community. I feel lost when I feel I have failed at love. I feel lost if I am not achieving. I feel lost when. I feel lost when people tell me to care less or judge my passion or show extreme hatred & violence. I could stop swimming & drown. I feel lost when I am not in my body. I feel lost when my poetry mimics the physical world too appropriately. I feel lost when I feel people manipulate my natural character to trust. I feel lost when I’m not sure I can love. or be loved. when & how I usually feel lost : I guess more appropriate would when I don’t. I don’t feel lost when I’m touching someone I trust without words.
I guess I usually feel lost. my mind rabbit holes into worlds that make sense & don’t. whenever I don’t have money I feel lost because. this is quite strange somehow the algorithm has been reset. possibly consulting I am not sure was a random sponsored add to get from facebook. that would apply to business English & give me the opportunity to travel more. I did get a haircut for my interview tomorrow they did a really good job. gosh I need more clothes.