you didn’t believe her mother but her actions show everything confused & erased. maybe they knew the whole time why would they invite me into their home.  why would they call me back. but you need to accept without proof & without romantic notions I you are part. native. the edited red & black & white & yellow & green & purple. the last class we finger paint sheep. 


you pick the red paper. if we cherish small risk it’s much less likely we will get into a tsunami. just as much as success.  one cannot learn without risk.  therefore the community must be in tune with failure. deep breaths. you tell them they had breached their contract with abuse & you would not stand for abuse. she is not your sister in the hospital & perhaps this would have never happened if.


when they left you start crying in front of the whole class. your friend would have held you. you will say that was such shit. do not look at any of them. understand emotional punishment is a tool similar to demise.  your replacement will make your class cry. no one will listen look back to you at your desk asking for help. you cannot do anything.


circle time is just ritual & warm up. do not forget to ask for their name. think about the mouse. he also holds you.

loses his keys & leaves bruises on her thighs. when you ask about cooking the half moon is so bright like a sexy secret. somehow this is because of either horses or headphones or maybe both. ah yes. at this point you will have the most beautiful fun.

part three

tomorrow I will apply. maybe apply.

a really sweet boy said he would come to me in beijing I am ok with this kind of excited, there is such a thing as being too nice & it’s very easy to see this. the tone is really in your pussy. it’s actually getting a quiet mean I just imagine dragons or something. she became more of a dog than a horse. running with her as a little filly. It’s too early for music I think.

my cough is better. I survived. I could feel the mucus being pulled into other parts. It was anxiety. ok morning. wow I hate synthetic medicine. he helped me so much. frequencies like medicine bowls just like I asked for it worked. bomb the innocent past with good frequencies. my gosh. what good notes & transitions for so long let’s see morning.

anxiety was giving me bronchitis? my cough seems almost gone. the music opened my diaphragm & I could feel it working it absorbed everything. almost everything. words are the inevitable unapproachable doomsday of miscommunication. need to listen thinking is painful. I told some stranger all my deepest darkest secrets willingly. thanks antibiotics. antibiotics gosh that’s some weird reaction I think is very particular to me. antibiotics are rough. give me till Tuesday. I need an elixer. I can’t miss more work.

what could I write about other than kissing him forever. a genetic human one I didn’t learn this. I forgive too easily it’s actually a skill. come to me sweet person so that I can be sweetly justified. ironically I think he is banking on this. oh. no will work on this he is so cute. I do love his technical stiff but come on. he sounds like a dad nun. some people are actually stuck in the 70s it makes NO sense whatsoever.

part two

book week

the story is city mouse & country mouse. our background is a palace & the puppet house fits perfectly. we will sing the wheels on the bus. the vocabulary is too high for children super fast so the subliminal messaging is crazy. our mc is garfield. what a crazy song that’s why you never remember the chorus. tomorrow we will be the three blind mice we spent so much time on these ears.

the dream is that my neighbor was trying to get into the van & there was a terrible crash which is why I had to legitimately call I to work it was snowing. she is still getting used to center time & speaking english she is fine was only because I was alone. why did I have to get my period today & poor paris she was trying to bond with me bumped her head & I had none of my team she got so sad.

she just wanted someone she could trust to hear her. my student was cute on his nose in chinese class & they said nothing why? I have so many questions why. my alarm didn’t go off this created a whole world of fables that are not really which is what I teach what the fuck. people are scaring left & right & firing me for figuring out my future. ok. humans have lost all empathy & what it means to be human. they gave me one month because I was sick.

I need simple. does love matter anymore? I’ve dealt with such hard people for so long what is the point I’m teaching fucking boat. okay maybe I still try to apply tomorrow. everything is grey with anticipation & quiet

it’s quite soothing actually very gentle. it’s not raining. bangkok is in a cloud. we are in a mist. I feel so much better.

it’s my achillies heel. I love when people know my favorite nickname.

part one

was just published super thankful is an amazing read

sorry teacher I forgot. I needed you to remind me. do you want to know I got a c in french and ap chemistry & still graduated with honors? it was that first balcony of the munich summer we walked the narrow cobblestone roads licking the isar river & drinking some sky. birthday posts always make me miss so many at once old & new. when the universe deals you a temporary wrong hand it’s always such a sweet demonstration of the complete complete right ones, if only for a moment, in disguise.

I should have never fallen for german boys they emptied me. she manipulated the yellow dress to say slow down so her deficit was null. I really do not like some people right now & really love some people right now & they know who they are. I still can’t find home. my dad told me I don’t have a home & he’s scared about one with him. I don’t have a home quite literally.

for me not for anyone else I still try to help but it was lost. at least here I can tell my neighbors to turn their fucking music down in my apartment. it’s actually the worst feeling that you are leaving a place not on youtube terms. I hate auto correct. I miss cooking I miss kitchens maybe in beijing I will have a real house & not feel so temporary.

I didn’t learn about love however until I had given up.

really wish I had stayed there that was the start of my demise. of boys. I don’t want this to be a theme any more.

the exclamation was from high school. every high school should greet you with an exclamation point. super grounding. I will write about the birthday weekend after book day. maybe I will meet a boy I’m very shy.

indonesian folk songs

I didn’t mean those things … the world fell from beneath me … so different from the week before … I feel like I climbed a mountain was so amazing & they are so nice, the mountain guy I will see tonight. tonight I played so fucking well with a whole band each song by ear. I care about this one. was sweating through the whole set. they just kept me up there. I could play everything from queen to nirvana to billy joel to aerosmith we couldn’t stop kissing. indonesian folk songs to sweet child of mine. we couldn’t stop kissing.


this is the longest upload in the history of uploads. don’t play with my heart. I have never been so happy to hear hotel california. rock music by my house with a tiny beer & my violin beside me. I will go on a hike tomorrow & finally capture the sunset.


the neon pic sign that welcomes you into this place I am sure I have been before. when we go inside it says hey gorgeous tomorrow they have a live stage on the street. I walked for forty minutes on the beach back in the dark & by some miracle came out at my exact exit for my hostel without gps. marooned in the rain entertained by two sweet Indonesians who serenaded me told me they loved my tattoo & teachers & then I got a gig. swimming in the rain looks nice.


I am so unsure about moving . what I mostly wanted to do was see him before he left.

night swimming

it was his brothers band I got there early & ate calamari. I felt awkward the waitress said I was beautiful the drummer agreed so I went up we played a slow first song on my solo the drummer behind me & the bassist gasped / I got so nervous the next song was take me home but I was nervous & shenia twain I felt I sounded fake don’t really like those songs. the drunk friendly very blond australian asked me why I was sitting alone just before. afterwards commended my playing & then the jimmy jealous drummer showed up & we had a funny chat … josh he told everyone joe was very insistent & funny & I said one of my favorite things here was to walk on the beach at night … so we dropped his motorbike & my violin … then after walking a bit sat then he said let’s swim in the ocean. I followed it was so sweet & funny in the almost full moon. he found a sand dollar & thought it was a crab head threw it back into the ocean saw some guys on the shore near our bag thought nothing of it. we came back & sat happy tired from the surf & he noticed his bag missing. I felt in mine & my flip-flops my little makeup bag with all my shells & my phone & power bank was gone. He asked me to check my wallet all cash gone.we went to the hotel demanded the police & they rolled their eyes saying that this happens all the time the police were busy. so we walked back he had no motorbike key or. hotel part of me thinks again this was all too much of a coincidence & I was actually the one who was scammed. he bed me because of everything it was nice. he left the next morning asking maybe to stay with me but left to canguu. I was left with emptiness & a desire to get a phone & come home. today I got a really slow cheap phone I’m going back tomorrow to see if there is something better. my friend I want to see I will when I get back … he said rest & sleep maybe play tomorrow or visit the bassist but then yes to the arms I know are true. I don’t want to go to. china but it is the only to do. maybe see again. I don’t know how I feel about this.

asking for help

so many things went wrong today I thought my flight was pm instead of am.  my alarm didn’t go off because it’s set to am instead of pm but I woke up without my alarm was happy to get to the airport & then very sad. I didn’t have money in my wells Fargo but in such a panic forgot that I slipped it into my back pocket & then when I did get a hold of my mother thought it was also stolen & my parents shouts at me cancel it I did but then found it & was too late now have only two thousand bhat & no one to ask to help till the end of the month.  I am happy I have a flight and feel really stupid like I just don’t think I even had the security guard help me & everything air asia was so mean they sent me on a wild goose chase I could have been to bkk so much earlier.  

the stolen goods case was sad except for swimming in the ocean that was so nice. so was playing with the band but I had this strange feeling that they all thought if I played with them I would hook up with them.  that was kind of frustrating just like I cannot reach my twitter accounts and I get no response gosh the whole airport incident is so old I really need to triple check everything other and over and over I hate when I go into feel because I forget really small things who ever ends up to be my partner I hope that they can help me.  I don’t know if he will want to hang out I feel as though maybe he’s annoyed because I asked him for help.  I could just ask dis I offend you but then I would be vulnerable and with him I feel less cute than with the bassist. the bassist is sweet even though he is so short. but the say he speaks and acts is with such kindness instead of this distant thing I wish I had been able to make it today.  

the only student you have is with yourself.  what I jerk that air asia guy was I tried looking straight into his soul & he had a cold heart.  I understand people’s faults it was my fault & then he punished me.  if only they had let me purchase the ticket at the time I wanted everything probably would have been fine but they wanted to wait and wait just like I feel so guilty for making him wait.  

I thought about another today.  his husband liked my picture he’s australian & they love bali & was two guys chilling on the beach don’t know if they were gay or not. it’s raining but I don’t want to go inside I really hate being inside. there is a person next to meet smoking a cigarette there is a can of beer next to me & I’m front of me. I can’t tell what they want I will pick up the can. I just did they are probably still watching is okay.  

I keep on trying to think of what was the most poetic thing I did over the weekend & is probably two fold 

my first night playing
well many folded
making friends with a guy that can type but just cannot speak pronounce & laughed so sweet every time.  
swimming in the ocean in surf really well… a girl kind of kicked me that last day and made me feel very uncomfortable with her glad of hatred when she actually kicked me but she didn’t really I think as a surfer I was disrupting her beginners flow.  she catty asked me afterwards I said no worries & her eyes called as her mate distracted her from her present self made victory was really weird 

the australian was amusing.  I don’t really get why in a four sided smoking perch of all four sides people keep sitting on my side I’m obviously busy for a reason.  maybe that’s a compliment he’s european they love those voice chats I have no whatsapp this is kind of interesting my number will change again I didn’t want it the change the theifs ruined everything.  

I like the sounds of this more than thieves the later always reminds me of sieve & that. To me sounds much more positive.  not that I haven’t been a the if & yes this was thrilling but I stole small objexts from retail or gift shops not the poor. they had no idea knowing I was poor maybe that’s why they didn’t take my wallet but obviously they were entranced by the German presentation of my media equipment. which is sad bc I worked really hard for that & if that hadn’t happened I would not have run into any of these other strange endeavors.  

So now without internet and with the show I write to pass the time and ramble bc that is better than scrolling in an airport for hours which I have to be used to by now but am not.  
I would listen to music but my library has been erased.  my friend. sent me a weird message and I could not still cannot tell if she was mocking me?  she said where are you in Germany or Thailand but didn’t ask how I was?  People don’t pay attention unless with hashtags.  

I have enjoyed being sore in my body I love swimming & walking the coast & sex as exercise. the australian was clever said can I stay with you fueled fucked me which. I think we both needed after the recent trauma he also had a girlfriend gosh jillian when. will you meet someone who wants to give his all to you. I have two and a half hours left I think that I am doing okay.  It’s nice is the lounge of the smokers there is not really any judgment.  

but yes. he fucked much better,  but not the best & no I didn’t come.  he reflected upon this also.  part of me thinks he was a part of the scam.  but then that would be me thinking very ill of an over exuberant inappropriate at times not very culturally aware lover which if u had ever met the norwegian punk guy hooked on pills & broke in my living room would think this guys was pretty tame. 

I  will go I’m when I have to pee I am frustrated that the air asia guy won in a sort of way but at least I didn’t not have to hand over my card when I found it in my back pocket it was folded bent. maybe that was a sign. 

I hate not having internet without the option of wifi when there is no activity. the thought did cross my mind of playing for some extra cash while I waited at the airport but I think there must be some sort of law against that. My body is getting tire however I think that I will need to move inside at some point strange how strangers are content to be strangers in public & how I always feel so unsure about him bc he doesn’t follow me anymore last. Night was the first. Time he did in such a long time & I felt like my excitement of fusion and incalculable vibes just made me unravel.  Will go inside soon I’m starting to get sore from sitting crossed legged how do these monks do it.  

I do have to say I was so brave this trip. mostly besides the return I hate endings. I’m so bad at them will just have to see I just don’t want to go back inside. 

aircon comfy seats fan & iced tea & music & wifi are also extremely beautiful as well as completely beautiful friend s that don’t make me feel bad for asking for help

it will be published at the end of the month

after bali. I sent them to you. I am not sure if you will be able to read them. but the first one is from when we were together. yesterday I did see my good friend also we hung out & ate burgers rode on her scooter & played was so sweet. just what I like. I wish I could show you the important picture but I cannot. I did show the important picture. I think it’s salt I need more potassium.

away from water is probably good. the last day was sabotage & I don’t know how to deal with this

I had to hold her hand through everything. I won’t chase anymore it’s like parkyn. grow up. yes at three. grow up. tomorrow is our water new year celebration. I sent him a purple heart but I still don’t really even know him yet it’s the first time I’m actually listening to his german. the whisper game is for kids not my heart.

I just have to take step by step & I want someone to dance with. I taught them to whisper because they were screaming at me with the right vocab word so now I make them whisper & they fall apart laughing on their backs it’s so cute. the beach one. I love that dress. the blue dress is in the suitcase in munich, I don’t believe in luck … but chance … & dreams … yes that will never end.

this is also completely necessary if you want people to care about the environment to THE most polluted air in the WORLD. inspire. intrinsic motivation. we have proven this. each plant will come with a letter to how they will keep their flower alive. because it will blossom. plus I really don’t want the plants that we have diligently taken care of to die. we need to give structure to both parties. he told me good trip.

I was alvaro’s lacrosse champion

in love with fossils & boys as winter snowed in faces. there was a tournament at midnight & I had an older brother.

omg they are like my little wolf pack they are just having trouble with the meaning of patience lately. that’s why it looks yellow mine’s more red. im playing a rental violin there it was right after I played at his funeral. when you talk about a friend you mean a friend. well that’s good to process. it was casual because I thought maybe it was the fans oh gosh. wow people are really lucky that there are worlds bigger than themselves. today angle brought in and played a pink violin. there was also a flat tire incident on the highway on the way to school but I don’t want to post that picture.

can’t believe I got it sweet dreams. we made bracelets which are surprisingly difficult. we are studying the aabb pattern. I am really good at interviews. this is amazing. maybe with the kids tomorrow morning. wow think I’ll be headed to beijing in july. first chinese dudes stood me up. I’m still working in munich. weird. I am still working in munich? it was so expensive for wheat & no sex. I miss germany I’m not sure why I miss a person here but im not sure he misses someone else. one thing: she said is he cute or am I trippin. it was just a date. I’m not very good at those. he tricked me on the train & I missed my one stop away my mind literally blanked & walked back. I tipped her 20 bhat & thanked her & her eyes were so sweet looking in disbelief. then everyone tipped her. sweet on the river.

maybe china would be good

he told me I wouldn’t believe that he loved me but I do. maybe we will meet again someday I wish it was just later today. I wish we were closer. we forgave each other. this means the world. just had a really true orgasm not sure how to interpret this. gonna try to sleep. I miss his voice his touch his kisses. his tongue. I actually do miss him. we talked for the first time just now I wish things had been different or that he could visit me. I don’t know about china. I don’t really know what that means except maybe berlin if thailand won’t help me with a doctorate it makes no sense to be here.

last weekend a special needs japanese man who couldn’t speak english hid in the bushes on the roof, jumped in front of me shoved a cigarette in my face repeatedly & then spit in my hair. I made a formal complaint, but there was nothing that they could do. there is such a thing to win because you fight & it is quite another to do so with simply being empathetic flexible challenging adaptable & kind. it’s simple.