do you believe this to be a coincidence?

(merriam webster dictionary defines coincidence as:

the act or condition of coinciding : correspondence .
the occurrence of events that happen at the same time by accident but seem to have some connection; also : any of these occurrences

“do you believe this to be a coincidence?”

(its both. the court system asks for a truthful opinion. my truth. is it black or white. do i believe i live in danger. yes.)

“no,” ethical. I am an ethical person. people. still i have to pick.

(my body feels number one. but this is learned fear. learned objectification. learned pain. learned sacrifice. learned duty. learned guilt. these feelings are not mine. but I need to protect. there is so much learned pain and fear everywhere.)

I know these are learned. logically.

(is fear real. chemicals electricity, stimulate thought patterns of familiar pathways. fear is both. the act of coinciding. and an occurrence of accident that is supported by the ego.)

my mind agrees with my body today. number one.

(note: there is a possibility of two. false. it could be. I used to think that love fell false. saving false confused my truth. truth always there somewhere. but it was both. and life more. it was something beyond the mind and the body. it was something that I had no words for. ) (survivor. from a biological point of view yes. body remains living. brain handles efficiently. plugged air. lifted. lucky, behavior. number one or two. for breath. for life. I believe in more. bless the fucked up ritual. abuse. tucked me back into beds of red echoes. pillows. tissue. dumps my bag. phone under the couch. he normally would have broken it. did the week before. this ones expensive.)

I ask the law to define my ethics. he drowns in reasoning. logics lies into logics. hes excited. angry. he wants to beat. his body feels his mind. reasons support the neurological pathways in his brain. this gives him pleasure. its ugly. court room. healed. no coincidence. depends on how well you can manipulate language. the ethical system is based on how well we can surreptitiously spin truth.

to split the both.

“do you believe this to be a coincidence?”

(I think. It could or not. it could be truth. it could be false. what do I believe. he will only listen to the law.)

I didn’t think that he would show up. his reasoning. he doesn’t want it to stain his record. he pled guilty a year ago. his neuro circuitry would never let me. now. wants to hurt. cut emotionally. like he used to. I sit and relive the experience. is this me now or was it me then trauma seared brains are we able to hurdle the circuits that message fly or fight. I want to fly. I fight.

an intelligent manipulator. I watch him and the judge. law. perjury. they don’t ask him to prove anything. but how do I prove it. I prove dates of significance around my chance. it’s really a matter of chance I’m alive. I am not speaking to the metaphorical antiquity of the statement, but rather acceptance. a point in my life I will always nurture and at time same time will never leave me.

(apart of me that will never define me, or anyone else around me. but will be visible because it will be a part of my life whether I like it or not. mentor tells me I have an experience that is very much my own. I did not grow up in the library. I know the world. this. is a gift.

I have experienced evil, if that’s what you would like to call it. others may call it abuse, domestic, violence, assault and battery. others may also want to call me abused, a dv victim, chick, battered woman. I am not any of these labels.

I am many including many more. but more importantly while my experience is unique to me, it is not to the larger community. in western culture, invisibility of power enables us to ignore the simultaneous multiplicity of the real. kaleidoscopes of varying bodes minds and spirits. or not. beauty of opinion.

domestic violence happens to one and four women. we will be friends, family, lovers, colleagues, neighbors, strangers to both parties involved. we will interact on a human level. love laugh cry judge forgive. human. can we love someone and not their actions. yes. how is this possible. does behavior define us?

does my visibility dehumanize me? now as an “other,” do you feel pity. because you know, as I have been told, “its just so embarrassing”. says my colleague, that’s her projection. for her. it was her mother. it can happen to anyone, and depending on multiple factors, intelligence, esteem, upbringing, really too many to list depends on how long you will stay.

abusive cycles are addictive fairytales. there is honeymoon, there is a crisis. there is climax, there is a resolve, there is a desire to get back to the honeymoon; happily ever after. but I was. shameful. because my own self treatment was worse. I had to face my shadow. the pull is seductive. even more so if the upbringing you received facing the cycle leaves you little weapons. if we don’t educate, talk about it, the cycle. invisible. continues.

7 in 10 people in abusive relationships are unable to leave. the emotion cradled in our limbic systems during this state: fear. perpetrators gorge themselves on fear. but the “perpetrator” is still human correct? the details of the final incidence that gave me the courage to leave will have to wait for another day. the point of the essay is in response to an excerpt written by a friend.)

the story is heartfelt, honest, introspective and extremely well written. it is about his experience coming to court with me and furthermore looking at violence on its inane level. the process, also celebrates another woman’s survival story and deconstructs my ex in his asshole attempt to fight a restraining order for fear that it would blemish his currently saturated (domestic violence and assault and battery) record. he is able to see the lack of humanity that i still struggle to comprehend. I highly recommend his blog that includes essays and poetry at http://cowardlywombat.blogspot.com/. accepting my own visibility in his story made me realize my own need for visibility. this essay is most in part an attempt to intellectually wrap my head around something generically absurd.

I can see my ex’s pleasure rise as he chews gum with a hard jaw and crass charming comments. he is given the opportunity to cross-examine, challenge, cut down, I can see every one of his moves before he makes it, every lie he hand feeds the judge. I no longer give credence to his lies webbed extravagant. there is a desire to dehumanize those who act in accordance. it makes me question if there was ever humanity there to begin with. how could it have been okay to stay with him in the beginning. can someone’s humanity change?

I feel sorry for him that this is where he lives. I feel story that he will not face his humanity. I also want to kill him without becoming him. it’s not right, but he’s still human. how human though if he has lost love and magic and multiplicity. we are bodies and minds, but we also love that is some self, spirit, or magic in us all to varying degrees. is fear of living merely a fear of death?

(are we more human when we are children? are we more human when we are dying? everyone lives. everyone dies. are we more human when we are closer to our cycles of life and death? what does it mean to live; love. if we lose love are we still human? what if we meditate in moments of the between. in-visibility.)

“do you believe this to be a coincidence?”

it could have still all been a coincidence. then what is coincidence. we can believe that everything is a coincidence or that everything is connected. the flexibility is intricate to the process of change. “truth” is a social norm defined in language that perpetuates its own destruction. to disrupt the cycle.

(he cannot manipulate the pictures. he won’t look at them. he says he already lived it once. I live it every day.)

when we apply this philosophy to language, we are able to manifest the playful dissemination of an aggressive form of control

a cycle of violence is inherent in western social structure. in order to disrupt this sacrificial component of language, contemporary feminism crumples definition and establishes coherence through difference. kristeva argues “anthropology has shown that the social order is sacrificial, but sacrifice orders violence, binds it, tames it. refusal of the social order exposes one to the risk that the so-called good substance, once it is unchained, will explode, without curbs, without law or right, to become an absolute arbitrariness.” (kristeva, 204)

yes a coincidence. both.

notley: “people kill each other/not because they’re animals/but because they’re demons./ this is obvious…keep/talking, anyway/ talking to You. is language demonic/obviously does/lead You astray.” (notley, 185) poetry, a form that encourages individuals to challenge the social notion of the “real,” language is redistributed in a personal/universal manner that addresses violence and denies sacrifice.

if violence occurs, the writer spins, shits, manipulates, dances, and celebrates the diverse possibility of human experience within non linear moments. kristeva: “mak[e] a game, a space of fantasy and pleasure, out of the abstract and frustrating order of social signs, the words of everyday communication.” (kristeva, 207)

hope. courage. love. multiplicity. will always encourage visibility and the question: what is it she will say next?

.

4.10 016

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